out of my mind - j. blunt

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.

I'm out of my mind.

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.
I just need this stage to be seen.
Won't you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?
Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.

I'm out of my mind.

lets go to annapolis

I started a new job today.

I am the new Registration Assistant at Seneca College, Newnham Campus. It was a good day. Didn't feel long, which was nice, even though I got next to no sleep last night. They give me an hour for lunch, plus 2 15 minute breaks! what the hell...that's a lot of time to fill. But I guess its standard for a 9-5 office job.

It's a pretty mundane job...lots of paperwork and organizing numbers and files and "alone time". Sometimes to break up the hours I try to think what would happen if Jack Bauer came through the ventilation unit, or if Syndey Bristow emerged from the cubicle on the other side of the office...OR if they both showed up at the same time...I wonder who would win in a fight...hmm...

I'm going to get tired of this alone time however. I've noticed that I'm addicted to conversation. And not the "so its nice out today" conversation. I want hardcore, to the depth of your soul conversation. You don't get that in the registration office. The sucky thing about that is that I'm going to have to be so intentional about getting those conversations in or I'm just going to go to work and then come home and go to sleep to do it all again...

just things...

Often I avoid my own blog because I have nothing to say, or too much to say - and no idea how to say it. Much has been going on over the past few weeks, I guess this shall serve as an update - complete with pictures...

1. I went to BC a couple weekends ago. :) I love my mountains, and my ocean and my bridge and everything else that was part of my childhood out there. I think my sould may actually be
complete out there.

















2. We have a new roommate, her name is Bethany and she is here to become a pilates instructor...I think. Really I don't know anything other than her name...

3. My brother left for the arctic last Saturday. Apparently the sun doesn't set up there at this time of year...how insane. Plus there are grizzly bears that could kill him. I know this is mean, and someone might get offended, BUT I hope he shoots one and brings back a tooth or a nail or something cool.

4. I have this group of guy friends that have bamboozled me into being their seamstress. Not such a bad bamboozle-ment, but wait, it gets better - and by better I mean more hysterical. Before last year when I heard them talking about it I was 100% unaware of the part of society that LARPs. (click on the link if you need a definition...but don't expect it to make sense). Adults dressing up and hitting each other with swords and casting spells? Yes, yes, those are my friends. Make no mistake, I love them dearly and do my best to support them in their pursuits of inner happiness, but I am not a LARPer. (that one's for you Chris Pitman.) I simply sew the cloaks and armor and whatever else needs to be put together. I'm telling you though, the geekiness is SO worth the jokes that come out of it. sorry boys. :)

5. I've been reading a lot in my travels and in my spare time. I finished Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance...it's left me thinking about how we define quality in our lives (feel free to comment on that topic...please...clear my head.) Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino was a great read...I found it to be a unique way to realize that you can't amalgamate all the great aspects about different things into one 'super-thing'. The good comes with the bad, the burlap with the gold ribbon, and thats what makes each picture, person, town, song, etc, beautiful. JPod by Douglas Coupland was hilarious - a long book, but a light read. I really enjoyed how poignantly he captured the satire in our generation and society. Plus, it takes place in Vancouver...and I like that. Right now, I'm in the middle of 3 books: The Road to San Giovanni by Calvino; The Rum Diaries, by Hunter S. Thompson (he wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas); and The Te of Piglet, by Benjamin Hoff.

I wish someone would pay me to read...

6. I want to see the movie "An Inconvenient Truth". Apparently its really good, but kind of hard to watch...

I think that's it. My mind's been swirling around thoughts of trust lately...more specifically how I'm realizing that I don't trust anyone. And as horrible as it is to say, I question the doings and the motives of my closest friends. sigh.

The coolest thing that I've bought in the past week was on an insight via Jones...that being the book "If". It's just a book of 500 questions that all start with If. Here's a couple to think on:

- If you could completely remove someone's vocal cords for a year, whose would they be?
- If you could eliminate one thing other people's children do, what would it be? ((please say 'go into toy stores' ...if only for my sake))
- If you had to constantly carry a weapon of some kind, what would it be?
- If you had to name the one most important ingredient of human beauty, what would you say it is? ((that one's for you Dan))

suffice it to say, this is a glorious book...anyone wanna go for coffee? I got all the conversation starters.

general merriment

Friendship - they say - is one of those irreplaceable, magical connections we have the privledge of making here on earth. Some days I'm blind. So turned around that I fail to recognize all that surrounds me. It's a shame that I have a tendency to take things for granted - I should really work on that.

Around once a month or so I go out to lunch with two friends of mine. Nathan Colquhoun and Michelle Whiting. I don't entirely remember the reason we first went out together...whether I was tagging along to something already planned with Nathan and Mich, or if it was just a completely spontaneous event. Regardless of the initial circumstance our lunches have turned into these grounding, refreshing times together. In a world where so many things end up 'awkward' and we worry too much about coming across wrong, it's amazing to have conversations where anything goes. No awkwardness, no topic untouched. And when you talk you know that you aren't speaking to dead ears, they ask questions and make fun of you because they want to know and they genuinely care.

It's wicked.
There's no better way to describe it.

I feel grateful because of what I have. And I feel happily selfish because I know that I don't have to share these two with anyone else in those moments.





Our time and our friendships are precious. I appreciate you Nathan and Michelle, you've brought so much to my life and I couldn't have asked for better lunch companions. Thank you.

until the next Lick...

new-ness

Summer's here.

I guess it's been here for a while. But it's starting to set in for me. The house is clean, life feels put back together, my roommates are all home and moved in, I have a nice tan starting, interviews are around the corner, I've got myself into a nicely awkward situation...and the sun is shining, kind of. It all equates to summer.

To tell you the truth, I'm very excited for this summer. I have a good feeling about it. Weddings and concerts and pubs and beaches and camps and boats and short skirts and tank tops and flip flops and sunglasses and rollerblading and biking and travelling and stars...good times ensue.

Part of me knew that I was in a funk, and that I needed to break out of it. But I couldn't have predicted feeling this good about it.

my adventures await, and I have two lovely roommates to adventure with, I feel untouchable. except for the awkward-ness...that's just going to have to stop.

annoying.

do you ever just want to scream cause it feels like every one is ignoring you!

ah.

i feel like im in grade 8 saying this.
while its all just circumstantial.

chocolate.

Of all the things that girls eat in large quantities chocolate has to be on the top of the list. And if I were to use my house as an example it would be followed by cheese slices (you know, the ones that are one chemical reaction away from plastic?) and pickles. Of all of these and the many others unmentioned, I abuse chocolate the most. And I have in the last couple days. I feel like its racing through my veins, coating them with a thick lethargic cream.

A friend of my family has passed away. Jordy S. Tanz was a beautiful man. He has been in my parents life for roughly 30 years. Was around for both my brother's and my births and though we moved away from them years ago and I didn't know him too well, my parents held him in a very high-esteem. Which means a lot. I remember him as a soft-spoken, just and kind man. I remember him having a doctorate in forestry...which translated in my head as a child to Jordy, the Tree Dr. He listened when you talked, he spoke no unnecessary words. The last time I saw him, we climbed a mountain to see the sun set before dinner. It was a selfish request of me. Dinner was ready and Petra (his wife) and my mom were itching for food - but Jordy put on his shoes and said "we better go now if you want to see it". So off we climbed, me with my bad knees, and he with is weak heart. The colors were amazing, and we met an interesting lady at the top of the mountain. I am blessed to have this alone time with this man in my memory - we talked about trees and the economy of forestry, and about my schooling (or lack thereof) and how I shouldn't be pressured into seeking anything, that I should just do what makes me happy.

The only possible comparison I could come up with for Jordy to humanize him for you is that he resembles Morrie from Tuesday's with Morrie. But he was 53 when he died from "complications after surgery", not in his 70's and dying from ALS.



Aside from this immenent saddness, which led to all the chocolate, I just booked my flight for BC. May 1st. thats in 22 days, soon to be 21. I'm excited and nervous and scared and hopeful and apprehensive and impatient. and stressed. too many things to do and not nearly enough time. but thats no different than the rest of my life.

Rest in Peace Jord, we'll miss you.

classic vs. romantic

There's an underlying theme to the section of my book right now. It's the comparison of classic views to romantic views...and how they can have a bit of each other in them but how they wont ever meet. Sort of like day and night meet in dawn and dusk, but once it's night - there is no more day (and vice versa).

Anyhow, as I was reading all about the classic/romantic split of a motorcycle

(which for the record goes something like this: romantic: what a beautiful machine vs. classic: look at all those pieces and systems that make it go...it's possible that I need to make this distinction clearer and if so I'll do it later)

and I got to thinking about the rest of my life. Does this theory transend the author's example? Do I have to force it into a situation in my life or will it neatly fit next to the other piece of the puzzle? I found that it fit. At least for me.

Not only does this fit, but upon that recongnition I realized that it's been what's making me so frustrated and "down" lately.

• Going back to university seems like a great idea "what a beautiful machine" but trying to figure out how it all is going to work leads me down this maze of questions without answers.
• moving out west for the summer sounds amazing and adventureous...and everything that I want it to be, but as soon as I start trying to figure out the details the appeal and the allure get lost and I'm left in the ditch very discouraged.
• "fixing" my family is the ideal but to what end?

And even here...I have good examples and explanations for myself and something to tell other people, but that doesn't put me any further ahead in my attempted conquests. Somedays things just seem futile. Until I run across a song lyric along the lines of this one:

"part by part and inch by inch, you'll have your mile when it's through"

...and how on these days thats the only thought you can rest your head on. What's the point of sitting in a traffic jam getting mad at the traffic jam anyways?