PART OF MY MILE

out of my mind - j. blunt

2006-06-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.

I'm out of my mind.

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.
I just need this stage to be seen.
Won't you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?
Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.

I'm out of my mind.

lets go to annapolis

2006-06-26T22:22:00.000-04:00

I started a new job today.

I am the new Registration Assistant at Seneca College, Newnham Campus. It was a good day. Didn't feel long, which was nice, even though I got next to no sleep last night. They give me an hour for lunch, plus 2 15 minute breaks! what the hell...that's a lot of time to fill. But I guess its standard for a 9-5 office job.

It's a pretty mundane job...lots of paperwork and organizing numbers and files and "alone time". Sometimes to break up the hours I try to think what would happen if Jack Bauer came through the ventilation unit, or if Syndey Bristow emerged from the cubicle on the other side of the office...OR if they both showed up at the same time...I wonder who would win in a fight...hmm...

I'm going to get tired of this alone time however. I've noticed that I'm addicted to conversation. And not the "so its nice out today" conversation. I want hardcore, to the depth of your soul conversation. You don't get that in the registration office. The sucky thing about that is that I'm going to have to be so intentional about getting those conversations in or I'm just going to go to work and then come home and go to sleep to do it all again...

just things...

2006-06-17T16:47:00.000-04:00

Often I avoid my own blog because I have nothing to say, or too much to say - and no idea how to say it. Much has been going on over the past few weeks, I guess this shall serve as an update - complete with pictures...

1. I went to BC a couple weekends ago. :) I love my mountains, and my ocean and my bridge and everything else that was part of my childhood out there. I think my sould may actually be
complete out there.

2. We have a new roommate, her name is Bethany and she is here to become a pilates instructor...I think. Really I don't know anything other than her name...

3. My brother left for the arctic last Saturday. Apparently the sun doesn't set up there at this time of year...how insane. Plus there are grizzly bears that could kill him. I know this is mean, and someone might get offended, BUT I hope he shoots one and brings back a tooth or a nail or something cool.

4. I have this group of guy friends that have bamboozled me into being their seamstress. Not such a bad bamboozle-ment, but wait, it gets better - and by better I mean more hysterical. Before last year when I heard them talking about it I was 100% unaware of the part of society that LARPs. (click on the link if you need a definition...but don't expect it to make sense). Adults dressing up and hitting each other with swords and casting spells? Yes, yes, those are my friends. Make no mistake, I love them dearly and do my best to support them in their pursuits of inner happiness, but I am not a LARPer. (that one's for you Chris Pitman.) I simply sew the cloaks and armor and whatever else needs to be put together. I'm telling you though, the geekiness is SO worth the jokes that come out of it. sorry boys. :)

5. I've been reading a lot in my travels and in my spare time. I finished Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance...it's left me thinking about how we define quality in our lives (feel free to comment on that topic...please...clear my head.) Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino was a great read...I found it to be a unique way to realize that you can't amalgamate all the great aspects about different things into one 'super-thing'. The good comes with the bad, the burlap with the gold ribbon, and thats what makes each picture, person, town, song, etc, beautiful. JPod by Douglas Coupland was hilarious - a long book, but a light read. I really enjoyed how poignantly he captured the satire in our generation and society. Plus, it takes place in Vancouver...and I like that. Right now, I'm in the middle of 3 books: The Road to San Giovanni by Calvino; The Rum Diaries, by Hunter S. Thompson (he wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas); and The Te of Piglet, by Benjamin Hoff.

I wish someone would pay me to read...

6. I want to see the movie "An Inconvenient Truth". Apparently its really good, but kind of hard to watch...

I think that's it. My mind's been swirling around thoughts of trust lately...more specifically how I'm realizing that I don't trust anyone. And as horrible as it is to say, I question the doings and the motives of my closest friends. sigh.

The coolest thing that I've bought in the past week was on an insight via Jones...that being the book "If". It's just a book of 500 questions that all start with If. Here's a couple to think on:

- If you could completely remove someone's vocal cords for a year, whose would they be?
- If you could eliminate one thing other people's children do, what would it be? ((please say 'go into toy stores' ...if only for my sake))
- If you had to constantly carry a weapon of some kind, what would it be?
- If you had to name the one most important ingredient of human beauty, what would you say it is? ((that one's for you Dan))

suffice it to say, this is a glorious book...anyone wanna go for coffee? I got all the conversation starters.

general merriment

2006-05-14T11:54:00.000-04:00

Friendship - they say - is one of those irreplaceable, magical connections we have the privledge of making here on earth. Some days I'm blind. So turned around that I fail to recognize all that surrounds me. It's a shame that I have a tendency to take things for granted - I should really work on that.

Around once a month or so I go out to lunch with two friends of mine. Nathan Colquhoun and Michelle Whiting. I don't entirely remember the reason we first went out together...whether I was tagging along to something already planned with Nathan and Mich, or if it was just a completely spontaneous event. Regardless of the initial circumstance our lunches have turned into these grounding, refreshing times together. In a world where so many things end up 'awkward' and we worry too much about coming across wrong, it's amazing to have conversations where anything goes. No awkwardness, no topic untouched. And when you talk you know that you aren't speaking to dead ears, they ask questions and make fun of you because they want to know and they genuinely care.

It's wicked.
There's no better way to describe it.

I feel grateful because of what I have. And I feel happily selfish because I know that I don't have to share these two with anyone else in those moments.

Our time and our friendships are precious. I appreciate you Nathan and Michelle, you've brought so much to my life and I couldn't have asked for better lunch companions. Thank you.

until the next Lick...

new-ness

2006-05-12T02:19:00.000-04:00

Summer's here.

I guess it's been here for a while. But it's starting to set in for me. The house is clean, life feels put back together, my roommates are all home and moved in, I have a nice tan starting, interviews are around the corner, I've got myself into a nicely awkward situation...and the sun is shining, kind of. It all equates to summer.

To tell you the truth, I'm very excited for this summer. I have a good feeling about it. Weddings and concerts and pubs and beaches and camps and boats and short skirts and tank tops and flip flops and sunglasses and rollerblading and biking and travelling and stars...good times ensue.

Part of me knew that I was in a funk, and that I needed to break out of it. But I couldn't have predicted feeling this good about it.

my adventures await, and I have two lovely roommates to adventure with, I feel untouchable. except for the awkward-ness...that's just going to have to stop.

annoying.

2006-04-28T22:00:00.000-04:00

do you ever just want to scream cause it feels like every one is ignoring you!

ah.

i feel like im in grade 8 saying this.
while its all just circumstantial.

chocolate.

2006-04-08T19:56:00.000-04:00

Of all the things that girls eat in large quantities chocolate has to be on the top of the list. And if I were to use my house as an example it would be followed by cheese slices (you know, the ones that are one chemical reaction away from plastic?) and pickles. Of all of these and the many others unmentioned, I abuse chocolate the most. And I have in the last couple days. I feel like its racing through my veins, coating them with a thick lethargic cream.

A friend of my family has passed away. Jordy S. Tanz was a beautiful man. He has been in my parents life for roughly 30 years. Was around for both my brother's and my births and though we moved away from them years ago and I didn't know him too well, my parents held him in a very high-esteem. Which means a lot. I remember him as a soft-spoken, just and kind man. I remember him having a doctorate in forestry...which translated in my head as a child to Jordy, the Tree Dr. He listened when you talked, he spoke no unnecessary words. The last time I saw him, we climbed a mountain to see the sun set before dinner. It was a selfish request of me. Dinner was ready and Petra (his wife) and my mom were itching for food - but Jordy put on his shoes and said "we better go now if you want to see it". So off we climbed, me with my bad knees, and he with is weak heart. The colors were amazing, and we met an interesting lady at the top of the mountain. I am blessed to have this alone time with this man in my memory - we talked about trees and the economy of forestry, and about my schooling (or lack thereof) and how I shouldn't be pressured into seeking anything, that I should just do what makes me happy.

The only possible comparison I could come up with for Jordy to humanize him for you is that he resembles Morrie from Tuesday's with Morrie. But he was 53 when he died from "complications after surgery", not in his 70's and dying from ALS.

Aside from this immenent saddness, which led to all the chocolate, I just booked my flight for BC. May 1st. thats in 22 days, soon to be 21. I'm excited and nervous and scared and hopeful and apprehensive and impatient. and stressed. too many things to do and not nearly enough time. but thats no different than the rest of my life.

Rest in Peace Jord, we'll miss you.

classic vs. romantic

2006-03-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

There's an underlying theme to the section of my book right now. It's the comparison of classic views to romantic views...and how they can have a bit of each other in them but how they wont ever meet. Sort of like day and night meet in dawn and dusk, but once it's night - there is no more day (and vice versa).

Anyhow, as I was reading all about the classic/romantic split of a motorcycle

(which for the record goes something like this: romantic: what a beautiful machine vs. classic: look at all those pieces and systems that make it go...it's possible that I need to make this distinction clearer and if so I'll do it later)

and I got to thinking about the rest of my life. Does this theory transend the author's example? Do I have to force it into a situation in my life or will it neatly fit next to the other piece of the puzzle? I found that it fit. At least for me.

Not only does this fit, but upon that recongnition I realized that it's been what's making me so frustrated and "down" lately.

Going back to university seems like a great idea "what a beautiful machine" but trying to figure out how it all is going to work leads me down this maze of questions without answers.
moving out west for the summer sounds amazing and adventureous...and everything that I want it to be, but as soon as I start trying to figure out the details the appeal and the allure get lost and I'm left in the ditch very discouraged.
"fixing" my family is the ideal but to what end?

And even here...I have good examples and explanations for myself and something to tell other people, but that doesn't put me any further ahead in my attempted conquests. Somedays things just seem futile. Until I run across a song lyric along the lines of this one:

"part by part and inch by inch, you'll have your mile when it's through"

...and how on these days thats the only thought you can rest your head on. What's the point of sitting in a traffic jam getting mad at the traffic jam anyways?

a peek:

2006-03-12T23:11:00.000-05:00

- I'm glad that I don't live on any floor other than 1 in this apartment building, if for no other reason than I don't like waiting for the elevators here. Plus right now there is only one in service...its petty but I don't have the patience.

- Every night since I've been taking the new migraine medication I've had a bad headache.

- My buddy, Mike, told me about this website (last.fm) where you'll never have to not have something new to listen to...if that ever plagued you, I don't know.

- Everyone's so interested in my future...more so than I am...and it bothers me when I'm trying to live in the moment.

- I'm about to go watch Out Cold - which for the record, is funny.

Question: if a child is born void of all senses (all senses) by the time they turn 18 do they have a thought in their head?

older chests...

2006-03-09T00:37:00.000-05:00

...and we always seem to need the help
of someone else
to mend that shelf
of Too many books
read me your favourite line...

I hate thinking of a title.

2006-03-03T00:25:00.000-05:00

Normally, at work when I take my break, I read. Or journal. But mostly, I read. Right now I'm really liking my book: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. However, today I re-read months of my past year that've been captured in my journal. Weird. A couple things stood out to me...a) about 85% of my entries have a song lyric in them. and b) all of them have some kind of open ended question/statement/observation at the very end...it got boring reading the same format/style all the time. Though the little sketches here and there liven it up a tad.

Aside from that, there's this part of the book that I just came across that I liked. The author is talking about the division and classification of our lives and how that works in regards to this one character "Phaedrus".

"We take a handful of sand from the endless landscape of awareness around us and call that handful of sand the world. Once we have the handful of sand, the world of which we are conscious, a process of discrimination goes to work on it. This is the knife. We divide the sand into parts. This and that. Here and there. Black and white. Now and then. The discrimination is the division of the conscious universe into parts"

It's not really the discourse of the division that gets me. I guess its simply the action of taking that handful of sand and that becoming our world, but more so it's that the thought of that makes me realize how we forget about the rest of the beach so easily. What about my roommates handfuls of sand? or my families? or my boyfriends? or the walking along the other side of the street? should I concern myself with those...does that mean that I no longer can use my hand, but I must use a bucket?

maybe make a sand castle?

music

2006-02-22T01:29:00.000-05:00

I think I default to writing about music every couple of weeks.
And you know what? thats ooookkkk.

I just finished watching the Something Corporate DVD with my friend Mike Hamilton. good guy that Mike Hamilton. Anyhow, amazing concert...funny guys. I don't have too much to say about all this...other than its refreshing to experience music with people that are on the same wavelength as you.

lyrics:

- with reasons like seasons that constantly change; and the seasons of last year like reasons that have floated away.

- I was a fool to think that I should stop you from undressing.

- part by part and inch by inch, you'll have your mile when it's through.

- I kissed your neck, and felt you breathing on my shoulder.

- you marry a role and you give up your soul till you break down.

- how can you ask me to stay, when all you ever do is go?

- lets get drunk; we can drive out to the harbor.

- why do you look when you've already found it? and what did you find that will leave you walking by?

- I could still be ruthless if you let me.

- and why do we lie here whispering goodbyes?

- given to a girl, written by a boy, living in a world, created to destroy.

plus many more...but I'm off to bed.

motormouth

2006-02-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

a.k.a. my new favorite show.

my roommates are all gone...its reading week, they don't have class. I haven't had class since last April and all I do is work...so all that's changed is that they aren't here with me. yah, yah, yah they need time away. whatever - I need company.

just kidding, I can fend for myself. Though, if you want to come visit me - you can!

So the whole "I'm alone" thing led me to turn on the tv. Initially, CSI was on, which was awesome cause it's always on when I need it to be on...but then then some bogus ultimate wrestling thing came on and I defaulted to Much More Music. They have a new show called "Motormouth" where people set up their friends and loved ones to drive around in this car with cameras and microphones that tape their live performances of the radios songs.

I know that I can't sing, but these people are HORRIBLE. and OOOHHH so funny!

sometimes peoples misfortunes are all I need.

ha...only kind of kidding!

#1 - children

2006-02-07T23:57:00.000-05:00

So I work at a toy store - which may be redundant to say, but none the less...The toy store, teeming with children and parents and grandparents and all the rest. I know that I've talked about this before, so I'll try not to repeat myself too much.

there are times during my days that I want to take kids away from their parents. At least for ten minutes so I can run a "how to properly handle your child in this situation" seminar. Now, I know I'm not a parent...or an aunt, or a guardian, or a god-parent...but I'd like to think that I know a thing or two.

You know how we have to get drivers lisences to drive vehicles? Wouldn't you think that raising a child has more repercussions than driving a car? yah yah...hit me with the free choice, non-governmental control stuff, who are we to deem other people "fit parents" stuff...but it's just a thought. One that makes me think about some foster parents and just how loose the system seems to be for them to get kids.

It kills me to see fathers ingnoring their child instead of playing with them, or talking harshly and denying approval. And my mind always screams when mothers give in to every tantrum.

I guess those are stereotypes and every family/person has extrenuiating reasons and circumstances...and maybe I should be over my past with my parents...but I still get so worked up about these things.

Everyday I end up silently wishing hope into the lives of children that I'll never see again...thinking that it will help them have less issues to deal with as they grow and mature.

Basically, I guess I just want to save the world...ha, right - good luck mand, good luck.

...thats all. for now.

...a series, if you will.

2006-02-06T00:26:00.001-05:00

I'm starved for a way to start this...writers block, odd.

I can't start this now, cause it's past my bed time and my head hurts...but this shall serve as a reminder for me...I'm going to post about things that I think about all the time...in the hopes of generating conversation around the topics outside of the walls of my mind.

be warned...things could get weird.

...a series, if you will.

2006-02-06T00:26:00.000-05:00

adventures in the city

2006-01-26T21:58:00.000-05:00

yesterday was my wholly coveted day off.
*insert moment of silence here*

Happily I got on the subway to go meet my mom for lunch...little did I know that it's the freaking arctic outside. And here's some trivia that I bet you all don't know...the reason it's called the "arctic" is because the Greek word for bear is arktos. And it's called ANTacrtica because there are no polar bears down there.

What beautiful things one can learn from a book.

Speaking of books...I went to a used bookstore with my friend Donna yesterday too. BMV...just north of Yonge and Eglinton. sigh...books. deals galore at that place. I got 2 poetry books (Whitman and Wordsworth) for $1.50 each; a Curious George book for my roommate, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for 3.99 each and AND AND AND the second season of Home Improvement on DVD for TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!

wwhhhoooooWHAT?! did you say $25??? yes I did.

swiss chalet lunch, a new-to-me camera to figure out, a used bookstore, hunt for jones soda, crepes, time with a friend I havent seen in a while, home improvement, OUT COLD (one of the most hilarious movies) and a little QT made for an immpecable day off.

now here's to 5 days of work in a row...which can only be redeemed by going to Halifax in 12 days. snap.

me and my wierdness - as requested by Leslie Wiseman

2006-01-18T00:54:00.000-05:00

"The first player of this game starts with the topic Five Weird Habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."

so ms. leslie wiseman tagged me for this ridiculousness.
hopefully I can deliver...but I'm nervous, so you might be unhappy with the results.

ok...wierd thing #1:
if something is ticking (like a clock) or dripping (like a sink) in the ambient noise of the place that I am in I need to remedy it. So far as to take batteries out, put in ovens, disassemble faucets. Incessant noise drives me crazy.

#2:
when I get a new cd I have to sit down and read all the lyrics once through with the song playing.

#3:
When I'm out in public I look at people (sometimes I stare, and that gets awkward) and try and figure out if they are happy with their lives at the moment. More specifically, when I'm at work, I observe parent/child interactions and silently make note of which children are going to end up with deep seeded emotional complexes because of how their parents treat them.

#4:
I have to sleep with the door to whatever room I am in closed, and with lots of blankets, if I want a chance at a good nights sleep. If the door is open - even a little - then I wont be able to hear the robber/kidnapper come in to get me, thus putting me at the disadvantage. and the heaviness of the blankets makes me feel invincible from the things that haunt me during the day.

#5:
I have candy in almost every possible place I can. Every bag, coat pocket, drawer, etc, has some form of candy in it...and if it doesn't then it for sure has a candy wrapper reminding me of a sweeter moment. No matter what anyone says, it is perfect at ANYtime of the day. any.

who shall I tag...? hmm.
well - Jeff Roney for starters
and Caitlyn McDonald
and Elea Hofman
and Hannah Price
but that's it...I don't have anyone left to tag. Unless of course Nathan wants to take a break from the SERiousness about church planting and engage the joke. Let me ask you a question...WHY CANT I GET RID OF THIS UNDERLINE?!?! ha...ok, I'm off to bed. night kids!

work.

2006-01-10T01:11:00.000-05:00

interesting to note that I ended my entry last night with a comment about greedy kids...only to have today happen.

Picture this:

Quaint little toy store, void of all customers. 2 employees sitting behind the cash pretending like they didn't have better things to do. In walks Jayden and her mother. Cute, sweet, unexpecting Jayden. They wander around eyeing all the colorful products and eventually end up at the plush section. Jayden picks out a cuddly little cat and declares that she must have it. Not only will she own it, but she must own it NOW - or someone else will take it. Her mom says no. (ha, nice try lady!) Jayden then sits down on the steps that the plush are displayed on and says that she will not leave, not with out the cat. Her mother tries to explain that she already spent her money, and that she doesn't have enough today to purchase the kitty. Miss Jayden doesn't like that one bit. CUE the beginning of the tantrum...at this point her mom is justifiably frustrated and says "don't you think you got enough toys this weekend? you have birthday presents you havent even opened yet! why do you need a cat?" ...so to stop the tears we fake put the cat on hold under the name Jayden - they walk out of the store and she looses it...all we could hear for a good couple minutes down the hallway was wails and sniffles.

***

seriously, I don't get kids these days. when I was a tot I wasn't allowed to go into toy stores, and I was fine with that...I didn't know what I was missing - but theres nothing wrong with that. I hadn't been into a toysRus until last September. My brother and I knew that screaming and crying and attitude wouldn't get us anywhere except in trouble. Somedays I just want to shake those kids...but then maybe their parents would get mad at me. AND THEN THERES THE PARENTS...oh goodness...I could go on forever...but I wont...I'll just say this: please don't bait your kid into the store with toys and false hope and then get mad at them when you have to pry them away from the Thomas the Train table. If you don't want a problem in the first place THEN DONT COME IN THE STORE.

I know that children dont have foresight, and that parents just want to see smiles on their kids faces but...sigh...jeeeez.
balance balance balance...tough calls.

"movin on up...to the east side...

2006-01-09T00:26:00.000-05:00

...to that DEEEluxe apartment in the skYYYYyyyy"

so these are my confessions:
well...really - just one, so THIS is my CONFESSION:
I'm super scared for about 8 month from now.

(wouldn't it be funny if right now I said something about a drunken night of debauchery and the baby thats on its way? hhhahhhaa...no? you don't think so? I DO.)

so I'm not pregnant - which is enough to make me smile; but I am moving - which is enough to make me freak out.

Christmas day night I was driving home from my parents place - after having the most delighting day (who caught the sarcastic drip in there....anyone?) - so there I was, the passenger in a car I have spent many-a-day in and all I could think of were thoughts of how my life is done here. Almost like I have exhausted my resources, kind of. This coupled with the only university program to date that has caught my eye makes me say with good certainty that I am going to move to Halifax and go to Dalhousie. Of course this all hinges on them accepting me (ha, no joke, *fingerscrossed*)

I know people move all the time, and ususally I'm the first to give them the gentle (or not so gentle) shove and say "pphhhfff - moving? SO WHAT, its nothing! You'll be fine, it'll broaden your horizons! Go, have FUN!" eeeeek...theres so many what ifs. AND THEN the tensions of opposites come in...please for your own sake - stop here and go read Tuesday's with Morrie...I want to go, but I want to stay. I want to meet new people, but I don't want to miss out on getting to know the ones I know now more. I want to be present in my life and really live it, but its so much easier when you have no attatchments.

well, such is life...and such is how I deal with it.

So the book I'm reading now is called "the 5 people you meet in heaven"...the way Mitch Albom describes and illustrates in this book is phenomenal - I'm in awe, and a little inspired. Anyhow there's a chapter where the main character comes to terms with his father and the damage that he caused him as a child and I can't shake the imagery from my mind:

ALL PARENTS DAMAGE THEIR CHILDREN. IT CANNOT BE HELPED. YOUTH, LIKE PRISTINE GLASS, ABSORBS THE PRINTS OF ITS HANDLERS. SOME PARENTS SMUDGE, OTHERS CRACK, A FEW SHATTER CHILDHOODS INTO JAGGED LITTLE PIECES, BEYOND REPAIR.

Agreed, it is a depressive stance on the relation of parent to child, one that negates the adults opportunities and abilities to uplift and protect their children...but there's truth in those words, no? Maybe it's only true to me from my out of focused gaze through the smudged and cracked laden glass, but I don't think so. I think that is what scares me most about eventually having children of my own...knowing that there exists the possibility to one day I let them down in a way so huge that I wouldn't be able to redeem the relationship.

and so I must sleep...so the toy gods can use me as their pawn in their evil scheme to make kids greedier with each passing hour.

?

2005-12-27T23:16:00.000-05:00

someone talk to me about reality....

unexpected.

2005-12-16T23:57:00.000-05:00

I don't need you
drawing circles on my shoulder
and niether of us need
any form of expectation
- all I'm looking for is
a little "fun in the sun"

I don't want
your yesterdays
and I'm not interested
in the mornings light
- but I'm not strong enough
to be your regret tonight.

on my mind:

2005-12-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

lots of things, lots of things.
so many things that I can't remember what I acutally want to spend time thinking about. yah yah, I know..."such a hard life", right?

tonight - scratch that - this afternoon I was hit with that proverbial tonne of bricks that flys around over all of our heads taunting us with the coldness of reality. I am bored with my life. I knew this was going to happen, I hoped it wouldn't, but deep down I knew that it would come around. Retail is in no way satisfying, I have no challenge, I have nothing to excel at or conquer, nothing to "get through"...except my work day, which only leads me to my bed so I can sleep to do it all again the next day. blah - I miss school. my, how the tables have turned! I'm finding myself longing to be Mitch from Tuesday's With Morrie...soaking up every last drop from a wise professor who deems me worthwhile.

I'm itching to pick up and leave. to spend the rest of my life travelling and experiencing things that I can't even put into words at the moment. I'm afraid my eyes are going starry, and my glance is looking a little glazed over. What I need now is something to beckon me somewhere, be it a person, event or thing. Something to scream MANDY COME GET ME. Something to keep me going.

I want to write off some people...and never feel emotion towards them again. I want to erase the effect they've had on my life. "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" anyone?

Maybe I'll just become a rockstar and write half coherent, brutally honest words to a riff and tour the world pretending that things don't get to me outside of the 4 minutes of the song that I'm playing. Only problem with that is that women singers/musicians/authors/speakers have very litte credibility with me...so why would I want to step out.

oh, the tangled web I weave.

"why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?"

so you're supposed to be tagged...but whatever...

2005-12-10T01:47:00.000-05:00

7 things I plan to do before I die:
- captian a ship
- hang glide
- take my family out to dinner
- visit Tuscany in a classic black dress, heels, shades and bold sunglasses
- tan on a nude beach in Greece
- walk the road of Calvary
- write a book

7 things I can do:
- listen
- make people laugh
- play an instrument
- act spontaneously
- "make good dip" (for chips)
- consume a lot of sugar in one sitting
- quote Counting Crows lyrics for every situation

7 things I cannot do:
- sing
- wake up early/go to bed "on-time"
- be on time for anything
- drive a standard
- appreciate Christmas
- play poker
- go to classes...if I have them

7 things that attract me to another person:
- hands
- humor
- patience
- passion
- appreciation for music
- sense of adventure
- spontenaity

7 things I say most often:
- "...so, about you being a mistake..."
- HEY DADDIO
- "shut up - you're annoying"
- "all hail the new york giants"
- "lets go meet the pansies"
- "fuckin eh!"
- ...awkward.

dorothy and todo.

2005-11-29T02:20:00.000-05:00

I'm in a bad mood tonight. Bad moods really put a damper on having a good time with your friends. Aside from that, I don't really know how to be in a bad mood. The problem with running away from emotions is that when you actually get smacked in the face with them you don't know how to process what's going on. All in all it's incredibly exhausting and in my mind completely worth running from.

And that's just what I've noticed that I've been doing a lot of. Running. Today it feels like all I do. I've spent my life walking out of schools, friendships, towns, countries, relationships, classes, assignments, responsibilities. You'd think I'd be tired of it by now...but that's all I want to do right now. I'm dying to have another adventure. I caught myself saying tonight "I'm moving away" twice. And the scary part about that is that it doesn't scare me anymore. A month ago it did. But now, I'm ready to pack a bag and leave. I'm feeling the itch.

I wonder what it is that makes some of us so restless and some of us so complacent. There's this girl at the store I work at that has been there for over a year and isn't looking to move on anytime soon...and she's not even in the middle of school - she's been done for 4 years. INSANE.

I need something new
I need something exciting
I need someone fresh
I need new conversation and scenery.

suffice it to say that nothing feels right and nothing feels like home...
almost like I could say "we're not in kansas anymore" (which is what the picture is of btw)

Kudos to the East!

2005-11-25T15:30:00.000-05:00

So I sucessfully made it to Halifax and back in one piece. It was questionable at points, afterall the Maurice's aren't notorious for getting along.

The Laurier boys won the Eastern Championship game against Acadia -- whose students don't have the most clever insults or comebacks. I won a prize halfway through the game and I had to walk through the Acadia cheering section to claim it. There I am, donned in the purple and gold not thinking that they would notice me as I walked by, when one cold Acadia student hollers "HEY LAURIER - YOU SUCK!" -- I stop in my tracks, turn around, meet his glare and say "Yah?" he stammers for a second and comes back with "uh, yah." Good job buddy, nice to know that Acadia teaches you to think on your feet. On my way back from claiming my prize another scholar from Acadia pipes up with "BOO LAURIER" So I stop once more, lower my Tim Hortons prize pack and turn my head in the direction of the loudmouth and politely remind him that his team is losing and then I walk away. ...good showing Acadia - you never had it in the first place.

They play against Saskatchewan in the Vanier Cup on December 3rd. Canadian championship...nuts!

as much as that story is enough to make the weekend it's far from my crowning moment. Turns out that there were these 2 cute doormen at the hotel that we stayed at. Long story short I ended up drinking my last night away with them until 530 AM. They showed me around the city a little but more importantly they showed me a genuinely good time.

Adam (on the right) and Ryan (on the left) are two different guys but oh-so-entertaining nonetheless. We wandered around the city, hit up a couple pubs, got chased on the waterfront by a security guard because apparently "you aren't allowed to urinate on public property" and then we had a bottle of wine in this park down on the water, spent some time looking at a war memorial remembering our grandparents and their contributions to our country.

"hands down this is the best date I could ever remember..." DC.

I loved my time with them. So much laughter and none of the crap that I usually deal with. I was free to be myself - without burdening my mind with stupid consequences that have no merit anyways. The sucky part is that unless they happen to remember that I left my email on a piece of paper in one of their cars I wont ever hear from them again. boo. Wish I had had more time to hang out. Hats off to my east coast boys that I may never see again! :)

yo Utech...what up?

2005-11-14T23:39:00.000-05:00

"round and round the mulberry bush
the monkey chased the weasel...
...this song really has nothing to do with
the fact that I'm going to HAAAAA-LIIII-FFAAAAXXX!!!"

Halifax twice in six months. You'd think I have a natural affiliation for the East Coast. I don't so much have one, got kind of bored in May when I was there, but the ocean is always a redeeming quality to any town.

However, onward I trek. Getting on a plane friday morning at 730 sedate-me-now AM to fly out for the Utech Bowl. What's the Utech Bowl? It's the national semi-final game for men's university football. The brother plays for Laurier and they're undefeated this season...and last, except for Laval - dirty French. oh wait, I'm French.

It's been a good 5 seasons of watching Mike play football with Laurier. The team's done well, he's done well. I was thinking during halftime at the Yates Cup game this past Saturday that it's going to be really different next fall when there are no Saturday games to go to, no blankets and toques to pull out of the closet, no more walking down onto the field to say "congrats", no more taking the same picture week after week, no more of Dad pretending to be a coach of the team, no more explaining the plays to my mom when she just can't understand. But there is a time for everything, and this season is done. (get the pun...tell me you got the pun!)

Of all that it has meant to my parents and I - I can only imagine that it means 100x more to Mike and the other guys. Sometimes I am at awe with the way a team as such closeness...it's incredible to watch and know that people you care about are amoungst people that care about them.

that's all I got...here are some pictures:

congrats Mike - I'm proud of you.

good song.

2005-11-11T22:04:00.000-05:00

Konstantine - Something Corporate.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
And you tell me that its over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless
and im naked
you gotta get out
you cant stand to see me shakin
no
could u let me go?
i didnt think so
and you dont wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interuption to the past
and you dont wanna look much closer
cause ur afriad to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had
crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that your alone oh
and im sleeping in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and i had these dreams in them i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that I could take you there
but damnit you're so young
well i dont think i care
and if i hurt you
then im sorry
please dont think that this was easy

and then you bring me home
cause we both know what its like to be alone oh
and im dreaming in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesnt she look good
standing in her underware
and i was thinking
what i was thinkin
we've been drinkin and it doesnt get me anywhere
my konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do was touch her long blond hair
and ive been thinkin
but it hurts me thinking
that these nights when we were drinking
no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell confusion with a 'K'
and i can like it
its to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
its to [counting crows]*
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
im not your star
isnt that what you said
what you thought this song meant

and if this is what it takes
just to lye with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
its 11:11
now you wanna talk
its not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
my konstantine
they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no,no,no, no, no, no, no, no

this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
ya know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby you could keep me up in bed
my konstanine

you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did u know i missed you(x7)
i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
i know you miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think
maybe that i miss you in my licing room
but we dont have much room
i said does anybody need that room
because we all need a little more room
to live

my konstantine...

stupid africa

2005-11-08T19:49:00.000-05:00

I feel like being 9 and whining...so that's what I'm going to do.

I was just talking to my brother and he was telling me how he might go over to Sierra Leonne in the spring to volunteer for a week or so at a sports camp there...all I could think of was how he would come back from the trip and then everything I would do subsequent to his time there would end up in it's shadow. story of my life...the younger sister is never as good as the older brother. EVEN THOUGH I started my "help those you can with what you can whenever you can" kick way before he did. I've always said that I got all the empathy and most of the sympathy...and he got the "oh look at me I'm 6'5" and I play football well with blond hair and blue eyes" genes.

ok...whatever, I'm bitter and petty.
tomorrow tells a different story.

Nashville North

2005-11-06T03:19:00.000-05:00

the dear little country bar out in the middle of no where - oh how wonderful you are to me.
Last night the ladies and I (April, Elea and Hannah) went out for Hannah's birthday.

"to the country bar!" she declared, and we all followed. As soon as we stepped through the doors we all had HUGE smiles on our faces. Hesitantly, we decided to have a drink or two before going dancing but right as we got on to the floor and into a line we realized that this night/bar was not about drinking. Line dancing has to be one of the most entertaining and fulfilling things that I have done in a really long time. I ate it up - every last second. The way I described it yesterday was that I have found a new crush. My stomach was all in butterflies and my smile wouldn't leave, plus I went to bed thinking about it and I ended up dreaming about it. *god bless texas* I(we) can't wait to go back, though we have vowed to practice the moves so we don't look like super fools...just fools.

((Elea & April))

((Hannah & I))

I love these girls. Lately I've been feeling like I'm living out that typical college lifestyle and that these girls may just be the ones that are around for years and years.

SO - - HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH! you deserve it - and so much more! Next time I'm all over that barnyard shuffle ...don't you worry

...

2005-11-04T21:15:00.000-05:00

I was watching Home Improvement this afternoon and Jill was having a moment with her sister, Carrie. Carrie was saying how she felt she was at a crossroads and all the Jill could focus on was the socks that she had just taken out of the dryer.

There is no Jill in my story, but I do feel like I am at a crossroads of sort. My friends are weaving in and out of existence, my community is changing, my humor is getting more and more inappropriate (though I love it so much that I don't really care), I'm no longer in school and I'm working full time in retail - which I never saw myself doing, my belief structure/worldview that I clung to with almost everything I am has been removed and I have no desire to replace it. I'm exhausted all the time, yet I never sleep. My time is stretched so thin that I constantly run 5-10 minutes late.

The world around me is morphing and I have no clue what it will turn out to be.
It unnerves me.
I'm not really a control freak and I'm pretty good at going with the flow and trying new things...but everything feels so unknown and black. If my life were a tapestry right now it would be freying at the edge.

I guess that in all this it gets exciting somewhere...maybe at the country bar where I'm off to RIGHT NOW. well, as soon as I get dressed.

adios, partner.

music

2005-10-28T19:23:00.000-04:00

You are the music while the music lasts.
T. S. Eliot

"Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art."
- Charlie "YardBird" Parker

A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. ~Leopold Stokowski

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality. ~H.A. Overstreet

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo

My roommate, Elea, has a violin. She is presently not here, neither are the rest of my roommates. So I decided to start teaching myself the violin. A dream come true. Truth be told though, I'm not very good. The violin requires a great deal of initial confidence or else you sound like a dying, tortured cat. All in time is what they say. One day I'm going to be good enough to play in an orchestra again. It'll be something more than wonderful, and you can all come hear me play. I might cry that night - consider that sufficient warning.

I love music.

Playing it,
listening to it,
I try and write some but that doesn't always pan out for me. Most times I'm not a perfectionist, but writing music or poetry is a completely different side of me. It's a daunting experience, especially with all the talent that surrounds us in this world.

When I go to the symphony I sit in awe at the immaculate composition of the score, and when I need a break from that I watch the string section and stare in awe once more at the ease and ability they have when playing the masterpiece.

Playing in my school orchestra/band was phenomenal. There is something completely mystifying and unique about being in a room with 60 other people, each of you lost in that frustrating arpeggio in front of your eyes, when a moment of heaven hits. All of a sudden you are unified and nothing can touch you. It's beautiful.

I've long sought after the reason why my soul is so drawn to music. Haven't quite nailed it down but I know it's there. Maybe it's how my emotions can be put into words and chords and placed in front of me so that I can finally identify with them, maybe it's the alternative world that it provides. Regardless of what it may be, I think that you should go and listen to your favorite album RIGHT NOW. and if you don't have time for that than at least crank up your favorite song and close your eyes and enjoy the moment.

Bethany in August

2005-10-25T23:14:00.000-04:00

"August In Bethany"

With the sounds of the ocean crashing
7:30 Friday evening
everything comes tumbling down
I choke back each tear that bleeds
I’d rather rest forever in your arms
I’d rather stay here than go but I know that
I should leave as i sit here helpless

Don’t go you said you wouldn't
You said you wouldn't
Don’t go you said you wouldn't
You said you couldn't

I think of our time together is it fading
am I dreaming everything you said lives on
I cherish our memories
I want to kiss your tears away tonight
it's hard to give up the one
You never thought you'd leave

Don’t go don't go
Your eyes they see through my soul
don't go don't go
You say as I walk out your door

With the sounds of the ocean crashing
7:30 Friday evening
everything comes tumbling down

randoms

2005-10-24T22:30:00.000-04:00

Don't know if I have much to say you guys...I'm centered enough to be coherent I'm afraid.
But if you want some random facts about my life right now I can do that.

- watching the Jets/Falcons game RIGHT NOW. football is good.
- just got home from work...at the toy store...today was a good shift. Though my saddest moment of the month happened yesterday when this woman came in and I helped her pick out toys for her husband who has dimensia for a good 1/2 hour. She seemed so happy to be buying him things...all I could think about was how sad the inner part of her heart must feel. I wanted to hug her and promise to make it all better.
- sent in my re-payment of OSAP forms today. what a bitch. sorry. but only kind of. Debt sucks - and I know that comparitively I know little of what the true horrors of debt are, but it still sucks.
- going through a bunch of doctors for some knee issues.
- talked to my co last night...that was very incredible.
- getting sick cause I'm not sleeping.
- reading A LOT.
- learning a Hootie song and a Coheed song on my guitar...why I ever stopped playing - I dont know.
- teaching myself violin, for free, thanks to my roommate who has the violin and the book on hand
- looking forward to Porsche automechanics.

thats about it...I'd love to shoot off something heartwarming, or challenging or enlightening - but I just don't have it. comment, converstaion is always nice.

maybe more later...possibly.

books

2005-10-10T13:52:00.000-04:00

the last word and the word after that - brian mclaren.
tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom.
"You have to find what is good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now."

read them.

just wait a minute.

2005-09-10T23:55:00.000-04:00

Lately I have spent a significant portion of time thinking. Pondering the mishaps of my past and trying to play fortune teller with my future. What I've noticed is that I seem to be in the constant state of "wait".
I'm waiting to get on the plane to go out west.
I'm waiting to decide on a school.
I'm waiting to hear back from the places I dropped off my resumes.
I'm waiting to know how someone else feels.
I'm waiting for 'the right time'.
I'm waiting till I have more money.
I'm waiting till I'm more stable.
I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting...
I'm waiting and I think maybe the world is passing me by.
But that doesn't make me want to change anything.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (who is turning into a favorite) once said "how much of human life is lost in wait?" Do we lose our lives in wait, or is a preperatory time to enrich the times to come? Or is that just an excuse to justify the waiting?

so many questions...and we shall wait for an answer.
(...this sidestepping around an issue feels like it could have already been written into a T.S. Eliot poem.)

It's also been said that it's not the destination but the journey that matters. So maybe it's not the answer we should be focusing on receiving and understanding...but the time "lost" in wait could provide us with a multitude of lessons.

hmm...this isn't going where I wanted it to.
I think it's too late to coherently put my thoughts into words.

lyric for the day

2005-09-10T00:21:00.000-04:00

"there's a girl in the car in the parking lot saying 'man, you should try and take a shot...can't you see my walls are crumbling?' - Round Here, Counting Crows.

also...here's a interperative question for those willing to think a moment...what do you think the line "round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrafice just like lambs" means?

2005-09-06T22:02:00.000-04:00

I found this today...thought it was interesting. Hmmm...well probably not as interesting for you as it is for me. Sometimes I wonder just how much the meaning of our names really does reflect who we are...just a thought.

This is the definition of me (apparently)

You are a charismatic individual with a dynamic and attractive personality. Probably not known for your caution or patience you are a risk taker who hates to be restricted in any way. Freedom is very important to you. Your thinking and intuition is strong and you have a talent for communication. You enjoy the sensual and material pleasures of like with the application of care and wisdom.

Amanda - Worthy of Love.

maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn't.
but the question that always pops into my head is how can every Amanda be described this way? Aren't we all different?

2005-09-06T00:12:00.000-04:00

"Music Box Superhero" - Juliana Theory

You'd like to think I have it easy
At times I think you're right but then I
I take a look around and see your eyes on me
At times I think I have it easy
Until I close my eyes and see
This life in my box lets you turn the key
When you want to hear a melody

But I can never be the apple of your eye
The story of your life it's what's inside
I go through stages when I feel this matters
This song and dance is a way of life for me

You'd like to think I have it easy
At times I think your right but then
I take a look around and see the grass is always greener
On the other side
This life in my box lets you turn the key
When you want to hear a melody

But I can never be the apple of your eye
The story of your life it's what's inside

And I can never be the one who saves the day
I'm just the man in the music box

It's nothing special
It's nothing special
It's nothing special

I'm just the man in the music box
(Your music box superhero)
I will never be your superhero.

back

2005-08-30T17:07:00.000-04:00

There was an article in The Dose yesterday about why people blog. Many different reasons for many different people...guess thats only fitting.

I don't really know how to get back into this, it has been so long since I have attempted to put thoughts down in sentence form. Life right now for me is very back and forth, no consistancy. Camp is over and it was good. Seemed short, and for me it was really hard. The campers make everything worthwhile but those moments in between seem like forever. Our staff ended off really tight and comfortable...and borderline inappropriate, but since when has inappropriateness been a bad thing? :)

I thought I was going back to school in the Fall (ie. like a week from now) but it doesn't look as though that is happening. Time for a job and some travelling I think. Question still remains on whether or not I will live at home with my parents or brave it on my own.

What I really want right now is something to fall in love with. I want to feel my whole being long after something and then go for it. I have fleeting infatuations with careers or majors, but nothing lasts. Shouldn't there be some sort of calling? I don't quite understand why this whole process is so tedious and stressful. I watched the Dead Poet's Society last night and was pleased when it met my expectations. There was a theme that ran through it of 'carpe diem'...sieze the day...it really empowered the students. I agree with the sentiment, however it seems as though there is nothing to seize.

There are questions that are bothering me right now...like:

how does Christianity make sense?
why were there still so many deaths from the hurricane if the area was evacuated?
why do people force moments to their crisis'?
when will I know that it's time to leave?

etc.,etc.,etc...

That's the surface for right now. As I re-adjust to the real world and technology once more I suppose there will be more written.

A quote that I'm trying to apply to my life right now is this
"Don't ask the world what they need. Find what makes you alive and do it, because the world needs people who are alive."

untitled

2005-06-14T22:20:00.000-04:00

you look at me
with those eyes.
those seeking, robbing eyes.

what do you expect
to see in me?
the inference denies me of my day.

just because I smile
doesn't mean I'm happy,
though if that's what you see
you'll breathe and think "it's ok"

just because my face is sad
doesn't mean I'm "done for".
but your eyes remind me
of things I do my best to forget.

when will it be alright
for me to just be?

when will you realize
that I need to just be?

nothin like an old game of:

2005-06-09T00:58:00.000-04:00

TAG!

Alright Leslie, you tagged me...here we go:
# of Books I own:
ha...not as many as I want to. easily 100 if not more.
give a poor girl time though, double my years and I'll have more than quintupled my repetoire. (hopefully)

Last Book I Bought:
Case for Faith, 24 Basic Christian beliefs ever teen should know, Heroes and Outlaws of the Bible. (can you tell that I'm writing a camp bible program?)

Last Book I Read:
Under the Overpass: a journey of faith on the streets, Mike Yankowski
(good read, easy read...worth the read. Joel, if you read this, check this book out...for some reason I feel like you should read it. borrow my copy if you want.)

Books That Mean a Lot to Me:
Love Amoung the Ruins, Robert Clark
The Davinci Code, Dan Brown
Selected Poems, T.S. Eliot

tag 5 more you say...
alright,
how bout I sleep on that and post those names tomorrow?
works for me!

so unfocused.

2005-06-06T23:32:00.000-04:00

here's a list of where I'm at...incase you are wondering.

- golden brown, thanks to the wicked burn I got last week.
- nursing my dislocated knee
- sleeping lots...thanks mono.
- evading the hauntingness of my past, although it's not working so well.
- freaking out about the bible program I have to finish...
- excited about camp
- loving the fact that I got to see my friend Malo tonight
- about to give up on the boats and my father
- confused, perplexed, annoyed, messed up, backwards, etc.

over all though, I think I'm happy that the sun is shining. Somehow, in a magical way, it makes the hard things easier.

soon a real thought will make its way here. I had one on the streetcar coming down to my parents yesterday...but it was gone before I could write it down. it'll come back no doubt.

untitled

2005-05-25T00:09:00.000-04:00

do you see that towel?
the white one on the floor?

it's waited through so many years
and many more tears
to finally be thrown in.

I suppose this is where I say
"time heals all"
and fake a smile to meet the crowds
and go on with the call.

don't worry, they say
somewhere between the grey
you'll find the sunshine
...but sunshine just wont cut it this time

trapped?

2005-05-17T22:26:00.000-04:00

"I'm working on a piece about men who date models. Any thoughts?" - Carrie Bradshaw
"Yah. They're very lucky." - Mr. Big

I've been watching a lot of fashion "forward", beautifying , appearance focused shows lately. America's Next Top Model, Sex and the City, A Makeover Story, What Not to Wear, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy...etc. A shameful confession, but a confession none-the-less. Watching the change from "ugly" to "beautiful" is intriguing to me. It's like anything "magic"...it could be the simplest trick around (like pulling a quarter from my ear) but if you do it smoothly enough I'll fall for it everytime.

I fall for those shows everytime.

A couple months back it was in the sense of why am I not beautiful like those people? Why don't I have my life together? If I was beautiful, and sucessful I would have my life together. School would sort itself out, my past would stop haunting me and all my insecurities would wash away with the tides.

Then some lines in the shows started getting under my skin, not just into my brain. Things like, "this extra so-and-so will give you just what you need to get ahead" or "you have such a beautiful face, let this make up enhance it". It all just stopped making sense. This dissonance seeped into me between what they were saying and what I know to be true.

Who decides this "standard"? And why are we, as a people, so quick to jump up and grab it? Especially when it changes as soon as you blink. I don't think that anyone should have the power to define what is beauty and what is not for the masses. We are all individuals and have the right to define who we are and what we like at any point in our lives; whether its once or 5,000 times. But no one should walk around feeling belittled or inconsequential because of someone else's definition of beauty.

Garth Brooks - Face to Face

2005-05-17T17:36:00.000-04:00

Drivin' by the grave yard
On a wicked winter's eve
And you're wonderin' why a man of faith
Is whistlin' nervously
Then you stop the car
And you hold your heart
'Cause you finally realize
Hell, the devil ain't in the darkness
He's a'rattlin' 'round inside
And with folded hands you truly start to pray
And you're face to face
Face to face with the devil that you've been dreadin'
Eye to eye finally has arrived
But bad as it was, well now brother wasn't it better
Dealin' with him face to face
'Cause it'll never go away
Until the fear that you are runnin' from is finally embraced
Face to face

---------------------

Dawson's Creek

2005-05-09T23:53:00.000-04:00

This is where you all groan and mutter "are you serious?" :)
I assure you, I am very serious. Yes I did watch Dawson's Creek, but oddly enough when it first aired on tv it was my dad and my brother who got the family into watching it. I think what drew them in was the then-scandalous story line of Pacey sleeping with an older woman. When they realized that the show was going to be more focused around teenage agnst, hormones and emotions instead of sex they took the next row boat out of the creek.

I was never a die-hard fan. I would watch it if I was around when it was on but I wouldn't go out of my way just to catch the latest episode. Some of them are real tear jerkers. I know I run away from any emotion that is my own, but I can't help feeling others...even if they are fictional. There is one episode that does it to me everytime. The series finale. I know, I know - finales are purposely written to make you pensive and bawl your eyes out, but I can never seperate reality from tv-land with this finale. The tears I cry aren't even simple appreciative tears, they're heartfelt and borderline painful.

A joyous reunion turns to heartbreak at the creek - Five years have passed and everyone is reunited in Capeside for a special wedding, but the happy reunion is cut short after the group learns that one of their own has been harboring a heartbreaking secret. Since they were last together, Dawson has been living in Los Angeles producing his autobiographical television series ‘The Creek, but has never forgotten the love of his life; Joey is a successful book editor living in New York with her boyfriend but comes home to realize she still loves her childhood sweethearts; Pacey is the owner of the new Ice House and still carries a torch for Joey, although he continues his pattern of getting into trouble with older women, including his newest conquest; Jen is a single mom living with Grams and managing an art gallery in Soho; and Jack is a teacher at Capeside High and has fallen in love with a secretly gay man.

This episode always re-instills hope inside me. Forget about the death and heartache of friends...the fact that I need a teen soap opera to instill hope in me is SAD! As scripted as it is it reminds me that honest friendship and true love in its many, many forms is real and out there for all of us to stumble upon one day. (although, knowing me when I find that true love in whatever form I will probably laugh in its face and run and hide)

I don't know what the deal is. Emotions in general really confuse me. A confusion that drills itself deeper into my being with each passing day. I guess it's good that I can still cry about this stuff - at least we know that the jokes about me not having a heart are false.

Sometimes life is too damn confusing for me.

jackers

2005-05-08T17:13:00.000-04:00

I can't stop listening to this song.
...maybe if we all stopped passing blame things might slowly start to turn around.

COOKIE JAR - JACK JOHNSON

I would turn on the TV
but it's so embarassing
to see all the other people
I don't know what they mean
and it was magic at first
when they spoke without sound
but now this world is gonna hurt
you better turn that thing down
Turn it around

Well it wasn't me said the boy with the gun
sure i pulled the trigger but it needed to be done
because life's been killin' me ever since it begun
you cant blame me cause i'm too young

You cant blame me, sure the killer was my son
but I didn't teach him to pull the trigger of the gun
It's the killing on his TV screen
You can't blame me, it's those images he sees

You can't blame me says the media man
Well I wasn't the one that came up with the plan
and I just point my camera what the people wanna see
man it's a two way mirror and you can't blame me

You can't blame me says the singer of the song
or the maker of the movie which he bases life on
It's only entertainment and as anyone can see
its smoke machine's a make-up, man you can't fool me

It was you
it was me
it was every man
We all got the blood on our hands
we only recieve what we demand
And if we want hell then hell is what well have

And I would turn on the TV
but it's so embarassing
to see all the other people
don't even know what they mean
and it was magic at first
but it let every one down
Now this world's gonna hurt
You better turn it around
turn it around

lessons: due east.

2005-05-08T15:31:00.000-04:00

I went to out the East Coast for a couple days last week. I had never been out there before and was really enjoying seeing something new. Didn't really know what to expect and was pleasantly surprised with the over all experience. My mom and I toured around the majority of the Maritimes and took in the differences. What shocked me most was that it seems like NO ONE lives there. Traffic on the highways was like travelling at 3am here in Toronto. There was only ever a handful of people around us. No congestion, no attitude whatsoever. It's hard to be defensive and abrupt in a region where no one else returns that. The other thing that I noticed was just how nice and accomodating everyone was. I couldn't believe it for the first day or two. There was no ulterior motive underneath the casual conversation, no self-seeking/self-serving mindset...it was really refreshing.

The whole point of the trip was to tour a university out in Sackville, NB. (which, by the way, consists of a Tim Hortons, a McDonald's and the university.) I thought for sure that by some ironic twist of fate I was destined to fall in love with the prospect of living out there and have to move away from what little roots are growing here, but that wont be happening. I can see why people would move out there and love it, but it's not for me. It did however stir something up inside my soul. Some might be drawn out there because of the quaintness and the nice people but those that I had the pleasure of interacting really inspired me to bring that mentality back here to Toronto. Why are we so harsh and fast paced? Things don't have to be so cut-throat all the time...if at all.

I come across someone every couple of months who will say something like "we should actually mean the words we say, and when we as 'how are you?' we should want to know." So let me be that person for you this month. Forget your manipulated ulterior motives, relax and have a good time just being. If you can't get it then go out East for a visit and maybe it'll help. A vibrant city is wonderful and full of opportunity, but if it doesn't have nice people then that ruins everything.

excitedchomp

2005-04-26T23:36:00.000-04:00

I had friends leave today for Thailand. And I have friends leaving tomorrow for Trinidad. And I have a friend leaving on Friday for Vancouver, and I have friends going to New Jersey on Thursday to see Further Seems Forever. AND TOMORROW MORNING I'M GOING TO NEW BRUNSWICK for some good ol' east coast fun...not that I have a sweet clue as to what that would entail, but it will be amazing nonetheless, I am quite determined.

I love the ability we have to travel and be safe...honestly, Praise the Lord. Not all have it. One day I want to be able to say that I am "worldly" (go ahead Nathan, chuckle if you must). I don't know how it will happen or when or with whom (maybe with our next Canadian Idol? huh, huh?) but it will happen and I will be blessed beyond anything I can imagine.

Here's to safe trips all around whether it's this week or later this summer. Mind stretching, eye opening experiences are waiting for us to happen!!!

Bon Voyage!
much love.

11:30 PM suprise slurpees

2005-04-23T23:31:00.000-04:00

The end of a year, or any other set apart amount of time, brings with it many emotions and opportunities. John Mayer says in his song, Walk on the Ocean, this "Half an hour later we packed up our things. We said we'd send letters and all of those little things. And they know we were lyin', but they smiled just the same. It seemed they'd already forgotten we'd came...Now we're back at the homestead where the air makes you choke. And people don't know you and trust is a joke. We don't even have pictures, just memories to hold that grow sweeter each season as we slowly grow old " I wonder what would happen if we stuck to our word with these things. If we would write because we told someone that we would? Or call? Or email?

I've had a lot of reflective time as of late and I have come back to something that is far from new to the cubbyholes of my mind. Friendships. I've lost too many of them to count in the short 20 years that I have lived. Part of me is guarded because of the associative pain, but I think it allows me to see people and relationships in a way that many haven't learned to yet. Or maybe I am simply reaching the same lake, just through a different river. Regardless of the means, the end is the same, and the end is this - we need to start actively appreciating the people that have been placed in our lives.

So often I sit around with a friend or two and I make a comment about how much I like somebody else. Things like "he's SUCH a quality guy"/"they really make me feel comfortable when I could feel incredibly awkward"/"I want to get to know them better"/"she's so sweet"/ETC ETC ETC. I'm tremendously blessed and happy that this is what fills up my conversations and I have no intention of changing the fact that I am proud of and intrigued by my friends to the point of sharing that with other people. However, I do think that I need to change the fact that I don't share what I think of the individual with them as often as I should.

In being called to live out edifying relationships I think this is something that is very important and extremely overlooked. How much better would all our insecure self esteems be if our friends and acquaitances communicated to us their encouragement and appreciation? I'm pretty sure that it could be paradigm shifting.

Please don't misinterpret my motives here, I am not looking for praise. Nor should anyone provide lip service with empty praise. I am just looking to challenge and encourage you. Your friends and family are precious. Plain and simple. Immanuel Kant said in his discourse about ethics and morality that "Human life and dignity do not have a price. They are absolute and have intrinsic worth." So I say that we throw out the potential (or real) junior high reminiscent drama and get real with those that we hold dear to us. Honest communication shouldn't be feared or avoided. If you appreciate and like (and I use that word tentatively and in a non-crush way) someone - tell them, or do something to let them know. [sometimes actions speak louder than words] It would probably make their day.

The little things, when life gets stressed out and complicated it's good to remember the little things - and that how great they are to receive is multiplied by 10 when they are given away.

(I'm taking this last bit from somewhere, but precisely where eludes me right now)

Think big, step small, go deep

the things I have learned.

2005-04-22T13:24:00.000-04:00

Well, that seems to me to be a big topic. I don't really want to write about all the lessons that I have learned in my life tonight, although one day - when I'm feeling Donald Miller-ish, I may do just that and write it all in a book. And then you can all go and buy it and we can grow together. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? ;) One day, maybe God will bring that to pass.

So, allow me to specify, these are the things that I have learned while living alone. One of my roommates has been in France since the 6th, and she wont be back till the 6th of May. My other two roommates moved out yesterday and I have now been "alone" for over 24 hours.
- I've learned that as brave and tough as I pretend to be isn't the reality. Every time a door closes in the hallway I jump slightly. And the emptiness echoes in it's plainness and it's a little unsettling. Yesterday I predicted that around 4pm today I would be bored and way too self reflective. It's a little later than 4, but I'm fully there. I can't seem to turn off the tv. I know I could just throw on music, but I feel like if there are moving images close to me then at least I'm not actually alone. How sad. For the first time all year, I'm a tad tentative about being on the first floor. sigh. Nothing I can do about it.

- If you mix pineapple juice with fruit punch it doesn't make a great new juice concoction, it just makes it a fruitier punch. who would've thought?!

- My new favorite thing to do is to lay in my bed, put on my Counting Crows cd and sing along like I'm rocking a kicka** duet with Adam Duritz. (even though I can't sing. so visitors be warned, if you show up unannounced it could be painful)

- My new not so favorite thing to do is to only own one stick of chapstick. Maybe there should be a by-law stating that there needs to be one in every room, especially when you are sick and a little scatterbrained and you seem to lose it every time you blink.

- Many of you who read this (because I'm so narcisisstic and think that the world reads this) wont know who Lisa Standon is, which is unfortunate cause she's a treat and a half, but if you did this wouldn't be nearly as shocking as it's going to be. Today I took the time and gathered 22 pages worth of Counting Crows lyrics on my hard drive for whatever reason that will present itself to me in the future. Or just for the fact that it's pure gold and now I have it to look at with incredible ease whenever I want.

Alright, so now that my movie is over and I should get some real sleep tonight, that is all that is racing through my mind. Well, actually that's a lie, there's a whole lot more, but that's nothing new.
UPDATE ON THE HIVES (again, cause I know you all want to know): they are turning into broken blood vessels under my skin. And this itch will drive me nuts soon. I think I should go get a big tree and do like the bears do.

...go listen to some Counting Crows and discover the many levels they exist on.

in the words of hoWERD: ONElove.

update on my life

2005-04-18T23:22:00.000-04:00

1. I've been sick since April 1st. It sucks and whatever it is that is inside me is mutating itself into various strands of viruses and allergies. I finally went to the doctor after being various degrees of sick for 2 weeks. He told me I had strep throat and put me on antibiotics. Turns out I'm allergic to penicillin and didn't know it. Right now I am more red than white and insatiably itchy. I have hives all over my body and am fighting to keep awake to do the things I need to do. Bless the doctor and the registrar at my school for deferring my exams for me because between this mutating sickness and the drugs that knock me on my back I can't do much of anything for too long.
2. Last night when this hive business was still new and entertaining, April called me a leper and we had a good laugh about it. Today, I'm not finding it so funny. But I did spend some time thinking about how the lepers must have felt when no one would touch them or come close to them just cause of how they looked. Must have been rough, you can't really control those things either...so I vow tonight that if I ever meet a leper I shall not treat them differently. Maybe I should start by not referring to them as a leper, as opposed to someone with leprosy...because after all we aren't defined by anything other than God's claim on us.
3. My mom is a great lady. Scratch that, woman. Not that she isn't a lady, cause by all means she is. She's so passionate about her kids and will do anything to set us at ease. She's perfected playing the mom card, with all the clout that comes with it. I only hope that one day I can be half as good a mom as she has been to me and Mike. go mom.
4. New Brunswick is waiting for me!!! I'm going to take soooo many pictures and go kayaking on the ocean and see the sunrise and be disoriented and all the fun travellers things that we only get the pleasure of doing every once in a while.

I think that's all I got for tonight.
Nathan came over and April, him and I studied for english. We laughed a lot and studied a little (suprise, suprise). He fell off a chair and April said something inappropriate (suprise, suprise)

to all you sick people out there - I feel your pain.
and if you aren't sick - count your blessings and go enjoy the sunshine while you still have energy to do so!

purpose revealed

2005-04-13T22:04:00.000-04:00

In response to the comment on my last post here was my purpose in those quotes. Basically all I wanted to do was share some of the quotes that I had found in the last couple days. I wanted other people to read what I had read and think about some of what these quotes made me think about. I could type for lines as to what each of them mean to me and what thoughts they each conjure up in my mind, but I think that they speak for themselves and that everyone interprets things differently. And if I'm going to discuss these kinds of things I'd prefer to do it in person, over tea - or ice cream - or both.

I love quotes...and the way that my thoughts can be quieted down for a moment and put into words - even if they are someone else's.

and that, friends, is my purpose.

4/13

2005-04-13T11:41:00.000-04:00

An eye can threaten like a loaded and levelled gun, or it can insult like hissing or kicking; or, in its altered mood, by beams of kindness, it can make the heart dance for joy.... One of the most wonderful things in nature is a glance of the eye; it transcends speech; it is the bodily symbol of identity. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality. ~H.A. Overstreet

My idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require. ~Edward Elgar

The repose of sleep refreshes only the body. It rarely sets the soul at rest. The repose of the night does not belong to us. It is not the possession of our being. Sleep opens within us an inn for phantoms. In the morning we must sweep out the shadows. ~Gaston Bachelard

A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. ~Leopold Stokowski

Yes we are [friends] and I do like to pass the day with you in serious and inconsequential chatter. I wouldn't mind washing up beside you, dusting beside you, reading the back half of the paper while you read the front. We are friends and I would miss you, do miss you and think of you very often. I don't want to lose this happy space where I have found someone who is smart and easy and doesn't bother to check her diary when we arrange to meet. ~Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body, 1992

The tender friendships one gives up, on parting, leave their bite on the heart, but also a curious feeling of a treasure somewhere buried. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Southern Mail, 1929, translated from French by Curtis Cate

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." ~Erma Bombeck

The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show. ~Author Unknown

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language. ~Henry James

Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world. ~Ada Louise Huxtable

Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title. ~Virginia Woolf

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversation. ~Elizabeth Drew

The traveler was active; he went strenuously in search of people, of adventure, of experience. The tourist is passive; he expects interesting things to happen to him. He goes "sight-seeing." ~Daniel J. Boorstin

It is not down in any map; true places never are. ~Herman Melville

What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do - especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road. ~William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

We spend our days in deliberating, and we end them without coming to any resolve. ~L'Estrange

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~Mark Twain

It takes a long time to grow an old friend. ~John Leonard

Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded! ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life

2005-04-12T23:31:00.000-04:00

Today I was on the Finch bus coming back from having put together camper party invitations and I was sitting in the very front seat watching the street go right underneath the bus. Then this blind guy got on, talked to the bus driver and sat down next to me. It was intriguing to watch him use the little stick thing and just how capable he was at simply living.

The TTC being what it is, I could feel the blind guy next to me. More than that I could feel his torso move with his breathing. Normally I don't like feeling people breathe. It messes with my "inner peace"...if I were to ever get any. I end up matching my breathing to their breathing and then I want my heart beat to match my breathing and on and on it goes. So as I was sitting there trying not to cast negative thoughts to the blind man next to me for breathing a voice popped into my head and said "Amanda, just stop fighting". It was a good thought. I began to let go and soon enough I wasn't even noticing my own breathing.

My lesson from all this is that I need to stop fighting the inevitable, uncontrollable aspects of my life. And that maybe when I do life will become more enjoyable and I'll be happier.

I'm glad that the blind man sat next to me today and that I felt convicted to sit in the very front seat. It's interesting to look back and see how your day has unfolded just the way it was intended and any plan you had to change its course just wouldn't have made things work the way they do.

"on and on and on and on it goes..."

2005-04-07T13:39:00.000-04:00

I've been journeying a lot lately. Not through new cities or with people but through the plains and mountain ranges of my mind. It's a lonely trip and an exhausting process but I would be naive to think that it is over. I suppose this is how we become honed and ready for the next part of our lives.

For the past couple weeks Donald Miller has been my guide. I've enjoyed his writing, its kind of been like having a conversation with a friend. I appreciated his honesty with his struggles and the lessons that he has learned. I feel like no matter how many times I vow to be honest with mine, some other story or manipulation always comes out of my mouth. However, when you meet the truth about yourself in black ink on consecutive pages, it gets harder and harder to hide.

I embody some pretty ugly tendencies and they have been painful to meet face on. I hope that my next phase isn't this emotionally exhausting, but what's necessary is necessary.

.....p.s. it's 4 months till my birthday today! :)

sweet dreams

2005-03-22T13:12:00.000-05:00

Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky.
Great song. Even better reality.
Those who know me, know that I have CRAZY dreams and that generally I remember them. Usually the dreams are laden with emotion and stressful situations. At best I'll have a complexly vague dream. Most mornings I wake up exhausted from my dreams, its rough - but hey, it could be worse. Anyhow, I was pleasantly suprised the other night. I was with some friends and we were climbing this big hill. Two of them stopped and sat down on the hill to talk, and my friend Shayla and I kept going until we reached the top. At the top of the hill was this gorgeous lake, not a wave on the surface - and went out for miles. We stood there along the shore talking about something and watched the sun set. The sky was orange for a while...hence the song...but all in all it was a beautiful sunset.

I often wonder if dreams have any significance. I know that on some level they point to what you are really thinking/worrying about, but could they have any ramifications on our futures? I guess they could if that's how God wants to speak to the individual...Regardless, this dream was a very nice and greatly needed break from the other ones where I find myself escaping from hostages, saving people from disaster or crying incesently at something.

Well I had a dream

I stood beneath an orange sky

Yes I had a dream

I stood beneath an orange sky

With my brother standing by

I said Brother, you know you know

It’s a long road we’ve been walking on

Brother you know it is you know it is

Such a long road we’ve been walking on

And I had a dream

I stood beneath an orange sky

With my sister standing by

I said Sister, here is what I know now

Here is what I know now

Goes like this...

In your love, my salvation lies

In your love, in your love, in your love

But sister you know I’m so weary

And you know sister

My hearts been broken

Sometimes, sometimes

My mind is too strong to carry on

Too strong to carry on

When I am alone

When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone

When I've lost all care for the things I own

That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you

You who are my home

And here is what I know now

Here is what I know now

Goes like this...

In your love, my salvation lies

...in your love, in your love, in your love...

John Hiatt

2005-03-18T16:32:00.000-05:00

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
And Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin’
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back’s against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I’ve been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me

You see time, time is our friend’cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me

the towels waiting to be thrown in...

2005-03-17T17:23:00.000-05:00

Sweet Jesus I'm frustrated. I have nothing but my thoughts and the book I'm reading for my history paper - I thought that I would be able to tuck away my pending future into a neat corner in the back of my mind and focus on what I'm reading but that doesn't seem to be working.

Everyone around me is figuring out their futures, and it seems like they all know where they are going. So maybe that's just how things look on the outside, but still, I wish I had even the slightest clue as to where I should go and what I should do. I don't know what to do about school next year, I don't know what to do about a job for the summer, I don't know what to do about a job for right now. Everything is up in the air and everyone wants me to make a decision.

Pressure, pressure, pressure.
I know I'm supposed to wait it out and have faith, and I do, I just really don't like how my hope is diminishing without my consent. I want to know what my life is going to look like. I want to know where I'm going to be and how I'm going to be used. Really, I want to be excited to jump into something, but I'm not, I'm blind and I can't stand it.

way to go!

2005-03-16T11:43:00.000-05:00

First of all I would like to say how much I dislike the computer keyboards at my school's computer lab. The keys are hard to push and it hurts my wrists. BUT now that I'm done complaining...

I was talking with Daniel the other day on a "study break". He was telling me about this chart that he had seen that illustrated the amount of the brain that recieves sensory stimulus for each of our body parts. The chart/illustration was set up as a body and the bigger the parts were indicated more brain reception. I don't know all the details regarding this, or who conducted the study (or any of the means, standard deviations, type 1 errors, or variance involved...hey, did I mention that I love Stats?) but what they found was interesting. The top two parts of our bodies with the most brain sensory reception are our lips and hands. With lips slightly higher than hands. Where the rest of our body parts lay on the scale I don't know, but I thought that this was interesting.

Obviously this isn't by chance. God doesn't create a species "by chance", this was all premeditated - and it's beautiful. Doesn't it just make perfect sense that the most brain reception is given to the two things that depict our interaction with others? -- the words we use can either harm or praise (see James ch. 3), and our hands can either embrace or bruise. It's brilliance to me that our mind would have the most input set aside for these two interactions. brilliance.

-----------

Things are good today, I woke up early (odd) and I'm actually at school.
we'll do some reading, and listen to some Counting Crows...

enjoy the SUN!

2 is enough for me.

2005-03-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

These things come in 3's they say. Not too sure if that is supposed to be comforting or what. Tragedy seems to find us no matter where we are, if you're lucky you're looking in on it but sometimes that's just not the case.

Selfishly, right now I am lucky. A friend of mine just lost her mom to cancer (so there's #1), and yesterday afternoon a man jumped off of my apartment building and landed right outside my balconey (there's #2). My mind wandered last night to thinking about the 3rd...who is it? will that passing shake me even more, or will I not notice?

From todays perspective, yesterday feels like a TV show. CSI - up close and personal. When I first drove around the back of the building I assumed that the cops were just having a pow-wow, then I saw the police tape - so I figured that there was just some kind of security/safety issue...like a broken water pipe or something. And then I saw the pink sheet on the ground: so unmistakeable were the feet and head that I couldn't conclude any thought other than that someone jumped. I spent the next 2 and a half hours sporadically peeking out our drapes. I was curious, don't really know what I was expecting to see, but I knew I had to see it. Eventually the coroner came, as did the crime scene photographer and all the regulars from the TV shows that we have grown to know and love. They brought out the stretcher and the body bag and efficiently moved the body from the ground into the bag. He was a middle aged man, average all around from what I could see. The thing that I can't stop thinking about is what if I had come home half an hour earlier? Would I have been spinning around in my socks in the living room to some music and have seen him fall right in front of me? As morbid as it sounds, did he bounce? If I had seen him fall, would I have yelled at April to call 911 and jumped over the balconey to see if he was alive? What if he was alive and no one did anything?

People keep asking if I am ok. In my jaded no-heartness I am fine, but just thinking about it now kind of shakes me. The aftermath of suicide...everything he embodied was gone in a matter of seconds. Maybe all thats left is a dent in the ground outside my apartment, an image in a couple peoples minds and a story to be told. My story of this isn't even an accurate one, I have no concept of what he left behind, what his motivation for taking his life was, or any number of things that make up who he was.

I do know that somebody lost somebody yesterday, in a very dramatic way. And people lose people all the time. That sense of loss must be so encompassing. I've lost people that I care about, but not to the extent of loss some of the people in my life have experienced. Because of that I don't think I can accurately sum up or comment on the loss that death brings to our lives, but I can see the way it affects people. The way the heart shows itself broken and searching for the one thing that will make it whole again...only to have to find that the one thing is now gone from the world. The emptiness that I can see in my mom's eyes when she talks about her best friend or her mother is at best unnerving.

Last night I started thinking that most likely this is how the disciples felt after their friend, teacher, flesh-and-blood tangible Savior had been crucified and buried. I hadn't ever thought of it in this perspective...The loss they must have felt would have been insatiable.

I wonder who John Doe left behind and how they are dealing with what happened yesterday. I wonder if we are all too blind to the people that surround us. I wonder if these memories will stay with me forever. Today I can feel my perspective change and am able to see a little more clearly just how important each individual is.

i think i got it!

2005-03-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an interesting day. I stayed home and did work - an unheard of reality for me. But I did finish a paper and print off my resume, productivity feels nice everynow and then :) On top of all these task fulfillments I had a couple moments where I think I figured out parts of life. You know those moments where you actually have to stop what you are doing (even if it's just walking down the hall), lean against something and let it absorb into the deepest recesses of your being?

Anyhow, so I had been sitting at home all day, alone for the most part, yesterday writing my paper for english in which I praised Voltaire for his satirical genious up to the high heavens and beyond. Eventually April came home and we played this game where we would each pretend to be doing work while just waiting for the other one to come into the room and distract us from the task at hand. On one of our longer "breaks" we started talking about how we have been in school for 15 years or so. Thats a LONG time in general, but more specifically its a long time to be living for the summers...for those days where you don't have to worry about homework, unit tests, ISU projects, essays, midterms and exams.

It's long enough to be conditioned to live for the summers and to accept that this is the way our life should be. No wonder we are all freaking out on some level. We don't know how to live any other way. Personally, having school over the summer and a break over the winter would just throw me right off, plus who really wants to waste those valuable rays sitting in a classroom!!? But really, here we sit on the cusp of something small but dramatically different all the same. Pretty soon all this conditioning will be thrown out the window and we will be working all year round, getting married, having kids...all of a sudden having to adapt a "till death do us part" mentality instead of the finality of passing school years.

Maybe its not all that huge, and it will prove to just be a gradual process in which we don't notice it that much, but maybe this "cusp" is a force to be reckoned with.

Exploration...a joy of this life.

And now I shall go explore the world of American and Soviet relations post WWII until Home Improvement comes on. Enjoy your day.

Nobody Hugs a Rose - Cool Hand Luke

2005-03-08T14:14:00.000-05:00

She cannot see the ocean.
For the trees that block the way.
She cannot see forever 'cause,
she cant see past today.
She's driving home so empty.

There's never been a prettier soul,
No, theres never been a lovelier rose.
But she can never wipe away all her tears.
She cries herself to sleep and
wakes up to the same old fears.

such sad lyrics...
I'm going to enjoy it when this season of my life passes.
It's wearing me out to almost nothing.
but here we go...one more day.

"it feels like home to me..."

2005-03-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

So it's raining outside today. I like it. Inconvenience and all. There's something about the rain that grabs my heart everytime. Brings me right back to beautiful British Columbia where I am pretty sure my heart will always call home.

I've been thinking alot lately about 'home'. What is home? Where is home? Who is home? So much thought has gone in that the word home now sounds very foreign to me. When I listen to the Michael Buble song, Home, there are a couple lines that always end up in my head for the rest of the day.

"Let me go home

I've had my run

Baby, I'm done

I gotta go home

Let me go home"

"Maybe surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh I miss you, you know"

I do want to go home, and I've finally come to a place where I can say that with honesty, but I don't think I know where home is. I haven't lived in BC for 12 years or so, yet my soul feels at rest when I think of it. My parents condo is not home and my apartment is not home. And I don't think that home could be somewhere that I haven't lived in over a decade. Maybe I am meant to be a nomad, a wandering spirit, never embracing a tangible constant.

hmm...I don't think I like that. I think I want a tangible constant. But then really, and pardon me if I get all philosophical, can we ever actually obtain a tangible constant?

searching for home...

2005-03-06T14:10:00.000-05:00

so, ah...too bad for me that Rye tastes like Rum...but if he's buying...!

2005-03-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

...only Ben St. Louis!

2005-03-06T14:08:00.000-05:00

what would I do without them?

2005-03-06T14:07:00.001-05:00

kids - stop smiling, start slowdancing.

2005-03-06T14:07:00.000-05:00

oh aren't they sweet?

homeward bound

2005-03-06T13:53:00.000-05:00

today is the day that I have been dreading for the past week. And in true fashion, it has taken next to no time to come around. Family meetings...the word 'fun' doesn't exactly rush to my thoughts.

Pessimism has seemed to weave its way into my existence lately. It's a tricky little guy, didn't notice it until it was full on fighting me. I'm tired of getting my hopes up for disappointment. But then what is my option? Jadedness, bitterness? No thanks, not appealing.

Can't remember who I was talking to about this...maybe Laura...but imagine if our own worst critic wasn't ourselves...then at least you could get away.

ON A HAPPIER note...Monsiuer St. Louis graced us with his presence this weekend. Good times as per usual. That kid is just so great - congrats Montreal, you've got yourself a keeper.

somtimes other peoples words are just better.

2005-03-05T01:53:00.000-05:00

"she thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking, and poses for pictures that aren't being taken"
- Comfortable, John Mayer

"and so for me this is beautiful...like a child I'll take you at your word"
- Can I Stay Here Forever, Starfield

"And laying down my crownAnd falling to my kneesI'm giving up the facadethat is becoming meI've offered empty praiseAnd overused cliche'sFor too long I've grown so tired of this gameI am so thirsty for more"
- Quiet Waters, Starfield

"you've always been the one to take my hand and show me its ok to be just the way I am - with no apology"
- A Friend to Me, Garth Brooks

"I've learned that there was this secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord - but you don't really care about music do ya?"
- Hallelujah, Rufus Wainwright

"I will carry you..."
- Carry You, Dispatch

"take my thoughts for what they are worth, I've been acting like a child...I wont be your winter, I wont be anyone's excuse to cry"
- Your Winter, Sister Hazel

"I've been bleeding well from this old wound, cleaning it with salt so it will still feel new."
- This Old Wound, Dashboard

"Maybe surrounded by a million people but I feel so alone, I want to go home...and I feel just like I am living someone elses life - its like I stepped outside when everything was going right"
- Home, Michael Buble

"I will not make the same mistakes that you didI will not let myselfCause my heart so much misery...I cannot cry - Because you know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life My heart can't possibly break When it wasn't even whole to start with"
- Because of You, Kelly Clarkson

"So why do you fill my sorrowWith the words you've borrowedFrom the only place you've knowAnd why do you sing HallelujahIf it means nothing to youWhy do you sing with me at all?"
- Delicate, Damien Rice

"Don't hold yourself like that, you will hurt your knees...what I give to youIs just what i'm going throughThis is nothing newNo no just another phase of finding what I really needIs what makes me bleed"
- Volcano, Damien Rice

"read me your favorite line..."
- Older Chests, Damien Rice

"Everyone is trusting in their heart like their heart don’t matter…matchbox20

"People still use other people with a crooked smile….matchbox 20

"What about your mind does it shine?"
– Jack Johnson

"The space between your heart and mine is a space we’ve filled with time."
– Dave Matthews

"A man shows his character by what he laughs at."
- German Proverb

"I miss you, I miss being overwhelmed by you. And I need rescue, I think I'm fading away."
- Best I'll Ever Be, Sister Hazel

"He sighs and looks in the mirror He can't tell anymore Who he really is and who they believe him to be And he sighs and walks in a thin line Between what is and what could be He's getting closer To something he can't understand "
- Fairy Tails and Castles, Lifehouse.

girls girls girls

2005-02-28T23:05:00.000-05:00

we are a strange breed. and thats probably an understatement. I don't really know why you guys put up with the antics some girls throw at you, but I guess it's all apart of that balance we are striving for.

I'm not necessarily down with the female bashing, but at the same time I wouldn't come anywhere near to calling myself a feminist. Truth is, I think that girls annoy me more than they annoy some of my guy friends. Maybe girls are why God invented patience. probably not but, hmm...just add that to my other slightly blasphemous quotes of the day.

From the speculation and analysis of relationships that most likely will never come to pass, onto the overly emotional reactions to made up non-existant insults, to the way food controls aspects other than hunger. It's all ridiculous. The comparison of ourselves to others, the expectations on all fronts, and the desire to just live - free of everything.

It all just seems so bogus to me, when will we all be able to rise above all the crap that our north americanized culture throughs at us to categorize us into tiers of worth?

something about "you gotta go through the mud to get to the good stuff..."?

2005-02-28T01:41:00.000-05:00

At risk of sounding overly Emo, or online-journal geekish - today sucked. I woke up annoyed and ready to run. For a while the only thing stopping me from running was my statistics books, which is just pathetic in my eyes. Just as the rest of the world, I'm no stranger to those days you wish you could just start over again. But today was just bad. I didn't want to talk to any one cause I didn't have the energy to lie and tell them things were great, but I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. Usually, I can kick these moods and I'll do or say something beyond ridiculous that just throws everything into perspective. However, today the help came from the outside.

Since September I have had my peaks and valleys, good times and bad times, happy days and sad days, passed courses and failed courses. In all the valleys and moments when I felt like any action or thought was futile there was always something unexpected that took my mind off things (this is how God works with me...one day I'll wise up and the system will be less strained I'm sure). I have had my "rock bottom" (or so I thought) days where all I have wanted to do was call a friend from my past, only to pick up the phone and realize that a) they aren't in the country, b) they aren't in the city, c) they aren't accesible by phone OR d) they just don't have time for me today. In those moments it added to my frustration when I thought the only thing that would help me would be to talk to these select few individuals, but in retrospect all I needed was God but I was too blind.

Anyhow, today proved to be something different. I got a call early afternoon and plans were in the process of being made for tonight. This was good I thought - I'll simply take out all my pent up frustration and throw it at my stats books until these plans unfold. (this is where you laugh at the thought of me being a diligent student) Well, regardless of the beginning of my day, how hopeless I felt, how much I cared about what I looked like, or how much money ISN'T in my bank account, I was greatly blessed in the end of it. The day when I wouldn't have made it alone inside my own head brought me face to face with two people whom I love and cherish and haven't seen in way too long.

The three of us exist in a very odd context. One where we are all three as one, yet all three as our own and at the same time each of us exist as a link to pull the other two in. (That's one complicated way to describe a triangle). We had a good time, we always have a good time - even if we leave pissed off. We hugged, smiled, blushed and made fun of each other, touched on our futures, asked flat out questions about our pasts. We attempted to reconnect as one after being away from each other for so long. We laughed, and I cried (don't think they noticed though.)

The love I have for these two (Kat and Chris) is a love I don't think I will ever be able to explain. Even to them - though I am sure on some level our hearts all echo the same beat and understand each other without the use of, or need for, words. These friendships are the longest lasting friendships in my life to date - nothing or noone could take their place.

I was observing as we were all talking tonight. Observing Chris as I start to wrap my head around the thought of him being engaged and then married, watching the love pour out of his eyes as he watches Kat and then meeting his gaze and sharing the same thought without speaking. Observing Kat as she reaches for her glass of coke and grenadine at the "opportune moment" so she can avoid eye contact with an valid excuse, watching her fire and mystery sit beneath her as she advances one of her schemes, looking into her eyes and "seeing her soul" [:)] only to realize again that nothing would keep me from loving her. These friendships could deteriorate fast or slow or not at all - my preference being on the latter - but my heart will forever remain as it is. It hit me tonight that anything I hold onto from the years of our friendship has no merit, and that these two people could rip my heart away from me, wash it in acid, light it on fire and drive over it and I still would run to them with open arms.

It's nights like tonight that make mornings like this morning livable. And it's friends like Kat and Chris that make the struggles and stress in my life conquerable.

thanks you guys.

*** *** *** *** ***

sidenote: I went to the Science Center yesterday with Daniel...mmm, science! :)
I LOVE THAT PLACE! well, minus the screaming children who think everything is a video game just because it has a screen and buttons and the thugged out teenagers who have no respect for the brilliance within the walls of greatness! But I always do manage to have a wonderful time there. The rainforest was nice...good to feel warm again without having 6 blankets all around me. Maybe one day I'll open up my own science center. Or maybe just Amanda's House of Fun...but that kind of sounds wrong...whatever - when I'm rich and have a ton of money to give out and invest in worthwhile projects I'm sure there will be a tactical operations committee to name all my endeavors for me. :)

cheesy poem

2005-02-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I know the words to say,
Give thanks for all you've done,
But then they fly up and away,
As quickly as they come.

How could I possibly thank you enough,
The one who makes me whole,
The one to whom I owe my life,
The forming of my soul.

The one who makes such sacrifices,
To always put me first,
Who lets me test my broken wings,
In spite of how it hurts.

Who paints the world a rainbow,
When it's filled with broken dreams,
Who explains it all so clearly,
When nothing's what it seems.

Are there really any words for this?
I find this question tough...
Anything I want to say,
Just doesn't seem enough.

What way is there to thank you,
For your heart, your sweat, your tears,
For ten thousand little things you've done,
For oh-so-many years.

For changing with me as I changed,
Accepting all my flaws,
Not loving 'cause you had to,
But loving "just because."

For never giving up on me,
When your wits had reached their end,
For always being proud of me,
For being my best friend.

And so I come to realize,
The only way to say,
The only thank you that's enough,
Is clear in just one way.

Look at me before you,
See what I've become,
Do you see yourself in me?
The job that you have done?

All your hopes and all your dreams,
The strength that no one sees,
A transfer over many years,
Your best was past to me.

~Laurie Kaub (some liberties taken.

-- the credibility of the words gets lost in the rhymes...at least for me, but good thoughts none the less

love it when that happens

2005-02-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

check out nathans thought for today...oddly enough, it mirrors what I just spent some time thinking about. http://www.nathancolquhoun.com/

acts 2

2005-02-22T13:38:00.000-05:00

My good friend from camp, Sharon (more affectionately known as Skittles), was over last night. As we sat and finished her huge theatre design project at my dining room table we talked about life and people and the relationship between beauty and human struggles. It was really nice to reconnect and talk about things that matter and things that just make us laugh. Needless to say, friends are incredible.

We got on to the topic of our campers. Updated each other on the ones we had talked to and wondered at the ones we haven't talked to. Talked about our fellow staff and how great it was to be united in heart, spirit and service for those two months. The thing that was on Sharon's heart was that she wants to do more for these kids than just be their camp counsellor. Something outside the setting of camp and something more focused on impowering and discipling them. So eventually we came around to this really cool idea...all reminiscent of Acts 2 - where they met together and ate and prayed and worshipped and built into each other. So that's what we have decided to implement. Tentatively mid-March, some form of a meal and fellowship time. Something that hopefully can be continued to completion and beyond this initial thought.

Your prayers would be appreciated...
Here's to good times!!! :)

thank you Isaiah.

2005-02-21T12:14:00.000-05:00

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed his as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult tto enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were find dust. Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires. nor its animals enough for burnt offerings. Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing. To whom, then, will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? - - Isaiah 40:12-18

pure JOY?

2005-02-20T01:44:00.000-05:00

As I've reflected on my soul, and the seasons I find myself in, I've been really unimpressed with myself. I've gotten way back into some self-defeating, self-depleting thoughts that are quickly becoming my best friends. Bad news all around. I know that trials refine us and that God humbles our hearts so that he may know what truly lies within them, but these facts just aren't ringing in as realities in my life right now. Talking with the roommates tonight and a question that got thrown around in many different wordings was one of "why do we continually go through so much nonsense? and how long can it continue?" Answers which can be generalized but are also incredibly dependant on the individual. The thing that hit me was that it doesn't matter if we go through it 7 times or 77 times, but that we have joy while going through it. Why should we give into Satan's deceptions and schemes so easily?

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many

kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops

perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may

be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

So WHERE THE HECK IS MY JOY!? I shout within the confines of my mind. When I have confidence that everything is working towards the best in my life, why do I turn my back on happiness? Do I not want to be mature and complete, not lacking anything? Of course I do.

I think so many of us get so caught up in every distraction - big and small - that we forget to appreciate that the sun is shining down. Yes there are things that merit some extra thought and heartache, but Christ in himself merits love - are you giving yours to Him?

only four?

2005-02-17T11:36:00.000-05:00

They say we go through seasons of our soul, and in our faith. Somedays I find comfort in that because it helps you know that other people get just as frustrated with life, and stray just as far "off the path" as I do; but then other days I feel like I should be able to rise above these "seasons" - like I am untouchable and when I succumb to them I get even more frustrated than I was before.

I don't know what it is that could pinpoint these seasons, and I know that I don't have a step-by-step self help guide to share but that's probably not the point. We go on and can't really stop the seasons, or so it seems. When I look back at my summer I realize that I had the best "season" of my relationship with God then. And that since then I've been doing this psycho up and down thing, but no up-swing has come close to the high that I felt in the summer. It's exhausting and a tad ridiculous how we find comfort in the pain and in the sin. The thought of "nothing would make me happier than to give it all and serve my Lord" and then to find your sefl so radically caught up in a web that you don't really recognize up from down or left from right. So you stay, and the seasons advance.

I guess it's a balance between the inevitability of our human failure and the feeling of being undtouchable under God. A lifetime struggle...and a lifetime privledge.

Press on, the reward is great.

paradigm shift (thats for you april)

2005-02-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

"What would you say has been the biggest challenge of your life thus far?" she asked in the middle of a conversation about decency and consideration. Very off topic and as much as I don't want to admit it - completely caught me off gaurd. I started thinking about it, rehashing my life and my memories. I found sad moments and ones filled with laughter; hard times and light hearted times; challenges that I didn't think that I would overcome and unprecedented joy - everyone has their balance of heartache and happiness.

I was half tempted to cop out and answer with something along the lines of "I feel like it hasn't happened yet". But that's not really fair to the asker. I fully thought that I would come up with a list of big challenges that were really grating on me, but I didn't. I actually find it kind of ironic that the things I thought were HUGE at the time, don't even show up on the initial scan of my mental radar.

It put things into perspective for me tonight. I love it when that happens. But it made me realise that the things that I am stressing out about now - however pivotal they may be - will not be that big of a deal in the following months and years of my life. Makes sense then that in Matthew's gospel Jesus tells us that tomorrow will worry about itself. And in the words of my good friend Malo - "Everything will be OK."

homosexuality

2005-02-12T01:38:00.000-05:00

I don't think that I have ever talked about this issue, yet alone thought about it, as much as I have in the last 72 hours. Funniest thing is that I feel my time in thought has been unwarranted. But - lest I be naive once more - nothing is ever 'unwarranted'.

There are many different routes that I could go from this general topic, and I'm not entirely sure of all that I want to say, so maybe I'll touch on them all and then again, maybe I wont.

I know that people are gay, and I know people who are gay. Doesn't make me love them less. They are, afterall, still human - just like me, still imperfect - just like me, and still needing of the fundementals of life - just like me. Well then, I ask, why do we get so defensive and scared whenever the topic is approached. It's almost like we are so well versed in the things to say that they come out with no second thought.

More than homosexuality, the thought of "hate the sin, not the sinner" has come up recently. But what does that really mean? To begin with, I think that hate has become way too desensitized with our society today and is an incredibly harsh word to attatch to something or someone. Fact is that we all sin - its a result of the Fall. So sin is apart of us as much as we fight against it, and to say that you hate the sin is simply saying that you hate a part of the sinner. What really bothers me is that we feel like we have the right to judge. I don't know why its so easy for us "Christians" to step out and judge the homosexual next to us, when sin is sin and sin is sin. Especially when we are told so explicitly to NOT JUDGE OTHERS. So ok fine, you aren't judging and you are just 'hating' the sin, but do you hate the sin of your friend sitting across the table gossiping with you over lunch? or do you take an active part in it? Are we all so blind that we can't see how much this affects the littlest parts of our everyday lives?

I was talking with my buddy Ryan tonight and we got onto this whole topic of sin and motivation and love and acceptance. As Christians we are called to love. Under that umbrella - wait, scratch that, not just under the umbrella of - but hand in hand with love comes acceptance. Acceptance is free of judgement, and hatred. One of Ryan's final thoughts was this "Christ meets people where they're at...and loves them for who they are...I think we should at least try that" I agree. Take a quick examination of your heart and mind and how they relate to the people around you.

No one is perfect - least of them me - but something to challenge us...is our acceptance full of love and free from hate and judgement?

Nothing like a tangible goal to end off the day...

sidenote: the taste of Pepsi reminds me of working on boats in the summer time...ask my why I decided to open a Pepsi at 130am and I couldn't give you a reasonable answer! Here's to hoping I sleep tonight...haaa!

why are titles the hardest part?

2005-02-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

So it seems that it is once again this time of year...the Lenten season is upon us. I always end up convincing myself that its not necessary to give anything up. And maybe it isnt necessary, but whatever. I spent some time a couple days ago reflecting on the year that I gave up candy and chocolate and pop...it was rough. Well not as rough as it could be I suppose, but for a girl who's main diet consisted of the various forms of sugar, missing out on this was bad. And not to mention that Valentines Day has some of the BEST candies and chocolates of the year...I was dying inside, although ironically the fact is that I probably was aiding my body rather than hindering it.

This year I thought maybe I'd give up text messaging on my cell phone. but then I thought, how superficial of me. way to go mand - set yourself up for a real challenge with that one! So I sat around and half payed attention when people were discussing their sacrafices with me...thinking what could I possibly give up? And as my mind tried to find loopholes I stumble upon the challenge of giving up gluten. which in laymen terms is wheat. So as hard as it was to give up dairy, its going to be harder to give up wheat for 40 days. But thats the deal with this right? sacrafice and going "without".

well well well...so ends that thought.
bring it on.

man alive

2005-02-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

How often do you find yourself attatched to something - and not just attatched but enslaved on some level? I caught myself saying "I'm a slave to this thing" in regards to my cell phone. And after the words had escaped my lips, my next thought was 'how sad am I?' Just loop me in with all the millions of other people that can't bear to not feel the weight of their small rectangular communication device every second of the day.

Thing is, it's not just our monetary consumptions that end up consuming us. It's the money itself. Try as hard as I might, I can't break away from the fact that money controls me. What's the deal with this mentality? I can't peg this as a problem with me or simply circumstantial. Right now, money IS an issue. I need it to live, for food, for rent, for transportation, for school - which for the record is ridiculously expensive, for almost everything. I can't break away from under its umbrella ove my life. Everyone says "now is the time to look for a summer job so you can pay for school next year". Will I actually be trapped by money for the rest of my life? How unfortunate, and not a lifestyle that one looks forward to. I can no longer see the distinction between Jesus and money. I know that sounds like I am spiralling down this heathenistic stairway to hell, but unless our society dramatically changes I will need money for the rest of my life. And not just pocket change, but enough money to be ablt to take care of myself and my family if need me.

Wow, living with a mentality of being afraid REALLY sucks.

This is all so backwards and drastically needs to change. What are you attatched to, subconsciously enslaved by, that you should let go of?

good times to be had in the 'loo

2005-02-07T13:48:00.000-05:00

So as I maintain my image of a 'travellin soldier', I found myself on a VIA train to Waterloo this past Saturday. Independence was flowing through my vains as I stepped onto the platform and got directed to the proper train car. I was a little less than bright eyed, as catching this train meant I had to get up earlier than normal, but I had my trusty journal and discman to keep me company. The intercom crackles a little and a lady's voice booms the typical "all aboard!" Luckily, there are many seats available - I wasn't much in the mood for conversing with strangers. So I sat down and pull out my stats homework. If it's one thing that I have noticed transportation being good for - its getting school work/reading done.

Anyhow, Waterloo served me well that day. Watched the Laurier womens volleyball team gain a victory over the Ryerson "Rams" (what a cheesy name), got picked up by some creepy football players and spent a load of time with my Bro. Can't beat that. Also went on a tour of the U of Waterloo campus...big school, granted every other school is bigger than Tyndale, but still. Wonder if I'll be there next year...

The thing that got me on Saturday was strength. Mike and I were talking about some stupidity thats going on within our family and has been directly affecting our parents for a decade or so. We both knew this before, but when we stopped to put in to perspective everything they have had to deal with and all that they have sacraficed - there really is no denying their strength. I realized that I am proud of that part of them, and that I wished some of that fighting strength had rubbed off on me. Mike could be quoted on numerous occasions saying something along the lines of "Maurices finish strong". And while I don't know much about my family history, or about my aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins on the Maurice side of my family, I know that my parents and my brother are strong people. Thing is, I'm a Maurice, and no matter who's family I marry into, I will always be a Maurice at heart, but more often than not I feel like I wont even make it to bed at the end of my day. I have never stopped to think that I could have strength within in me - whether I claim that under my surname or something else entirely - but it doesn't mean its not there. So onward I press, with aspirations to be strong and perservere through the trials that have been laid at my feet.

Afterall, us Maurices, we finish strong...

the counting crow strikes again

2005-02-04T18:19:00.000-05:00

"And these days I feel like I’m fading away"

-Adam Duritz, Have You Seen Me Lately?

That about sums it up. I'm freaking out these days - trick is, no one really knows. So I fade, and I'm starting to get to a point where I don't really even know.

I want to be the 20something that has everything figured out...
I want to be the girl who is not afraid to be afraid and thus not controlled by her fear...
I want to be the friend who provides constant stability...
I want to get a good nights sleep...

I need to find a job...
I need to find direction...
I need to be held accountable...
I need to be proud of who I am...

I don't want to fade into a shadow of who I can be and who I am. But as the issues pile up and the days go on, I find myself getting lost in life's mundane tasks. There's always something more important for me to do, yet I feel as though I never get to cross anything off of my to-do list.

Weird how we get like this. Mid-winter, lack of sun, too much time left alone in our own brains craziness. In the back of my mind I know that everything will be ok, and that through this "hard time" I will come out closer to the refined gold than the tarnished coal. Yet I just feel so stuck. Whats the deal? I want the lessons I know in my mind to live out through my heart...

here's to a nap...

bombarded i suppose...

2005-02-02T20:22:00.000-05:00

I have had a lapse as of late. It seems like my thoughts will no longer slow down enough to let me wrap my head around them so that I can post here, journal in my real journal or even comprehend the life I am living at the moment. It's starting to get frustrating but tomorrow is my designated day of rest for this week. I'm really looking forward to it.

For this I'm feeling like I need some organization, so here I go..."break it down a one time":
1. Subway Chronicles PT. 1. For as long as I have been attending Tyndale, I have wanted to just ride the TTC for a whole day and observe...with my eyes mainly, but with my pen in addition to. Well, my schedule doesn't allow me that leisure of taking a whole day to do that so I decided to seize the opportunity of a no-show friend of mine yesterday and I "rode the rocket". One day I will maybe write a book called "the subway chronicles"...and do that whole infering-life-lessons-from-everyday-observations thing. Hopefully it'll be good, and hopefully I'll remember to do it. Anyhow, I really enjoyed my time with the strangers and the cover of my cd player. There were a vast array of individuals on the train with me that day. From the woman and her daughter vying for the optimal subway seat (ie. the front of the train) next to me, or the business woman about half way down the car - white knuckled and anxiously awaiting her home at the end of the day, or the teenage girl next to the woman who stood munching on an afterschool snack not even holding onto a pole for support (a skill which I covet greatly), to the little boy who must have been not a day over 7 and was fending for himself amoungst all these individuals who probably saw him as a shorter than average annoyance. I feel like I could write JUST on the appearance and character from these people whom I had never met, but what really hit me is that we were all in there together and no one was talking. I know that we dont often strike up conversation with random people. (Especially young women making an effort with men - whether they are of comparable age or older.) But I started thinking - how many times have I ridden these trains and not talked to anyone...yet alone wanted to talk to anyone? Shockingly, or not so shockingly, the answer is every time. More schockingly to me, is that when I search my mind and heart - I'm ok with that. With no attempt of conversation or connection with another human being there exists no chance for failure. Which, unfortunately, is something that deters me from doing alot in my life. Well, thats all for Subway Chronicles, PT. 1. stay tuned for my next adventure.

2. WHERE AM I GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL!!!?? And more importantly, what am I going to do with my life? What am I supposed to do with my life? The next year of my life is bringing HUGE changes for me, and I feel blind. It's hard, but the funny thing about these parts of life is that they are more than worth perservering through. hmm...perserverance, seems to be a theme for me since the middle of the summer...maybe my lesson hasn't been learned yet.

3. How much honesty should you embody before you cross a line? is there a line? is there a line that is unique to every individual? or is honesty just simply black and white? thoughts much appreciated...please!

4. Take a moment and think about your friends. Are you being the friend that your friends deserve to have? Some days I don't think that I am doing the job I am called to in friendship. It's a hard realization to come to, to know that you are letting down the people whom you love. Through this though, I have began to re-appreciate the friends that are around me. The way April and I share the same thought and at the end of the night just as we are about to go to sleep one of us starts talking about it...the way I dream about certain people, tell them about it and find out that it was divine timing that I started talking to them again...the way I get so genuinely excited to see some people - and how they reciprocate that...and the way I miss the ones that get pushed to the back of my life, and how I feel that through my inadequacy I have no place in their lives - but through the grace that I cannot begin to comprehend I still get to be a part of their lives. glorious.

For tonight I think that is all I have to write about. For tonight I think that is all that I can acknowledge. For tonight I think that I need to spend some time in the Word.

sacrafices...

2005-01-26T21:02:00.000-05:00

Here I stand, and solemnly swear, that I will give up dairy food for one whole week.

It's been 9 hours and I already want to give up! MAN, one week is going to be a LONG time for this girl. Don't really know how it's going to pan out, and I don't really know when my will power is going to kick in - but those are minor details I suppose. So ridiculous that it has to come to this point, hopefully it doesn't come to the day when I have to give up sugar! :)

Aside from the inconvenience of this task, I'm actually looking forward to the challenge...maybe - probably - it will help put things into perspective for me.

Already it has me thinking how much are we willing to give up for a better cause? or to right a wrong? Sacrafices, there's more to this concept than we give thought to.

think about it.

real?

2005-01-25T17:04:00.000-05:00

So here I sit, warming my heart with a favorite past time - watching Almost Famous. What a good film, there's something about the story and the main character, it really grips you. So much could be written in reflection about the movie as a whole or about each individual scene. The search for acceptance, need for love; experimentation with people and substances to find both.

Russel, the guitarist for the band, was just on a search for something "real". Here I ask, what is "real", or rather - what is not "real"? Even something that is fake finds reality in its fakeness. Just something worth pondering in those late night hours when you just can't sleep.

I could keep going, probably for a long time, but some days you just don't need to over think things, some days you just need to absorb things and let that be that.

review of the day

2005-01-25T14:53:00.000-05:00

two words for right now: Damien Rice.

"Rice's personality and deft songwriting hoist him above the mass of bedsit mumblers."

"Damien Rice's debut album is a work of inspiring subtlety and craft, arecord that speaks not only of Rice, but of the human blood that courses through his veins, the human sounds that rise in his throat, the human heartbeats that gulp down human feelings"

There's two reviews from a website so you will be able to recognize that my words aren't just from some emotionally-wrecked girl. This man creates some fantastic music. The way the guitar totally captures your heart and how his words capture your mind is something that not many musicians accomplish these days. Damien (yes, we are on a first name basis) sings so upfrontly about his heartache, bitterness and disappointment. It's almost as if you should have to ask him for permission to hear the thoughts that he is sharing with you.

I love the way that his feelings strike a chord within my soul. The way my thoughts, which somedays I cannot even recognize, are put into words through his songs. What an incredible gift we have in music...to give and to recieve, to share, to cry and lament, to dance, to do whatever it is that you feel like at that moment. Beauty in such a composed form.

things I'm wondering about:

2005-01-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

1. WHY-OH-WHY do people spend X amount of dollars per year to belong to prestigious golf/country/ski/etc clubs?
- I had the privledge of being taken out for dinner tonite at Lambton Golf & Country club (which has a rating of 5.7/6). The food was excellent and the service was above par, but as I looked around the dining room all i saw was attempts at fashion, lots and lots of sparkling jewellry (men and women alike), and seemingly empty hearts. I just hope these people and families are happy being involved where they are, and that it's not some evasion of the truth trying to fill a void.
(did any one catch the pun? hope so...'twas a gooder.)

2. What should I wear on the plane ride to BC?
- Aqs, you gotta cover me on this one, keep me updated on the weather...flipflops?

3. TRUTH.
- I happen to believe that there is a universal truth, but the world seems to follow a relativism truth instead...how well is that actually working for the general public? Cause I don't really think that people hold to their concept of truth...and shouldn't that be something that's sturdy within each of us?

4. Why am I afraid to have the conversations I need to have?

5. Will I actually like the monster truck derby tomorrow?
- hopefully the pictures I take will convey the hilarity.

6. Why do I let myself get so consumed with materialistic/societal concerns?
- seems to me that I should be at an age where this is not a concern at all. I want that day to come fast.

7. Did I mention that I don't know what to wear on the plane ride to BC?

8. The qualifications for becoming a foster parent.

9. Various friends. and my brother.

10. I hope my overusage of text messaging lately isn't going to prove to be super expensive.

a long time from now

2005-01-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

"I wonder what I will look back on when I'm 80."

This was a final thought of mine from a couple months ago. Turns out it hasn't really left my mind. Some moments I want to fast forward just to look back, and then there are those moments where I wouldn't want to miss out on a thing. Lately, I want to do crazy things - and embark on some unheard of adventures. I think tonite I will sit down and write out a list 'things I want to do'. I challenge you all to do the same...not necessarily in the cheesy, tv way...but putting it down on paper might just help us accomplish the abstract thoughts we call dreams.

I think one of the things I want to see fulfilled is to be lying in the hospital when I'm 80 and be able to tell stories to the 20-somethings that are my nurses or whathaveyou, to be able to inspire others with the life that I have lived, to be able to teach with my heartache, to be able to encourage with my words and to be able to do any number of other things that God would have me do.

to all this I say, bring it on...lets live!

10 REASONS:

2005-01-13T20:03:00.000-05:00

to see the mountains
to smell the rain
to walk the streets
to revisit my heart

to adventure on my own
to discover something new
to awaken a passion
to reconnect lost ends

to say hello
...to say goodbye.

"they've got catfish on the table, they've got gospel in the air"

2005-01-08T21:32:00.000-05:00

NOSTALGIA.
what a wonderful thing.

So, I got fed up this afternoon...too much time spent sleeping till 3pm, too many nights staying up till 5am. One should not live this way, especially now that classes are starting up agian. Being fed up and tired of reading Galileo, I got all bundled up in my longjohns, sweaters, toque, mitts, armsocks and scarf; grabbed my cd player - threw my country cd in it and headed out the door. I was looking forward to my walk - time to get some fresh air, let my heart work a bit harder and get some more headspace than the walls of my apartment allow me. Initially, I had the idea that I would be able to gain perspective on life, that maybe I would unlock some mystery or unveil a truth...but as one foot continued infront of the other all I found myself thinking about was the memories I have associated with the songs that were playing in my ears. Instead of being frusterated I let my mind wander back to those times. Some were sad but the majority were happy and I found myself with a little extra pep in my step as I was walking to the beat. (nothin like some good ol' country for the soul.)

I have found these days that memories and times are brought back into my mind through song. Just as moth balls make me think of my Grannie and cigarette smoke reminds me of my Nannie. I'm sure there's some type of psychological term about an associative mindsent to label me with but it's all good. I don't know what I'm getting at...something along the lines of how incredible are our minds? To be able to store mass amounts of information and then recollect it in an instant. Or how much of our present day actions and thought are affiliated with and affected by our past memories and associations? Regardless, I love my mind and the way it keeps all my memories for me. And I appreciate the random way it brings certian ones into my mind at just the right moment.

hmm...

2004-12-31T01:59:00.000-05:00

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

-- Proverbs 13:12

haven't unpack this one completely - it just got thrown at me and definetly has me thinking. I don't give much time or energy to the Proverbs...perhaps I should.

Don't give up hope because life is found in the completion of your dreams?...maybe yes, maybe no.

hollah back with your thoughts.

pressin' on

2004-12-30T01:13:00.000-05:00

2 days - 48 hours. After that we effectively start "fresh". The last word will be read and the last page of the chapter turned as the ball drops. I wonder if it's just me that is anticipating the mulitude of philosophical and reflective moments that my friends will be having in the next week as we step off the well worn patio stone of 2004 onto the well anticipated one of 2005.

This seems to happen every year. It's a good thing I think. Reflecting on the past and awaiting the future to see what adventures lay around these next corners. Today, my friend Cait asked me what my highlight of 2004 has been. Simple question but I couldn't think of an answer - neither could she when I turned it around on her so I don't feel so bad. Eventually I came up with my top 5, but it took me awhile. What wasn't hard for us was the lowlight of the year. Interesting.

So I wish you happy, purposeful and rewarding thinking as your calendar year draws to a close.
(interesting also to note that the new year used to start some time in March and its only been since 1582 that its been starting on January 1st.)

mmm...my top 5: - in no particular order -
- Jamiaca
- Camp
- lessons learned
- being "published" (even if its just in my school newspaper - thanks nathan! :) )
- watching lives change

good times had, with many more to be coming our way. watch out...

blessings,

doing my best to keep them open

2004-12-26T01:09:00.000-05:00

So it has come and gone. Christmas. If only it were as joyful as they made it appear on tv. I don't know what it is about my family, but it seems like every year there is something that makes Christmas time significantly less than the wonderful commercialized image that we all buy into.

My day has been filled with undeserved attitude, bitterness, anxiety, police matters, alcohol, under-appreciation, blatant disregard, little respect, some presents, few laughs and a glint of love in between all of the rest. Maybe I'm just tired and incredibly emotionally exhausted; or maybe this is the reality of my life and I need to stop pretending otherwise.

I sat last night helping make dinner with my mom. I observed my parents, my brother and his girlfriend. Their interaction was enough to make me smile - until I realized that it didn't seem to matter to them if I was there or not. But I brushed those feelings off because as Ecclesiastes says "nothings new under the sun." Along with those I also brushed aside the off-the-cuff jokes about me going to church and God and religion and all that. So off I went to church. It was great. Talk about being blessed - friends upon friends from times past, a familiar church where good memories are held, and the love of Jesus in all its reality resounding within the chambers of my heart. I came home happy and humming carols in my mind, only to find my mom borderline hysterical and well over her "limit". Unfortunately, try as you might, there's no real way to calm her down, so you just listen to the same story until she decides to go to bed. Well, I think I decided to go to bed first, and as I had the floor in the living room everyone else had to clear out. It was three oclock, I was tired, yet I couldn't fall asleep...so I stirred. Not waiting for Santa (because at this point in life I AM Santa!), but probably just waiting to be knocked out. Next thing I know my dad is wandering around clinking ice cubes and water in his glass; then lo-and-behold, everyone was standing over me waiting for me to get up to open the presents! (anyone feel me on the irony of the times? how once it was you waiting restlessly to play monopoly when all your parents wanted to do was "finish their coffee", and now its your parents who wake you up before you've had enough sleep?) So, enough of the re-cap of my day - I'll simplify it for you and get to the point I'm trying to make. We opened presents, had orange juice and scrambled eggs, Mike made the 3D lighthouse puzzle, I had a nap then we watched some football before dinner, after dinner we watched more football and I got Mike and Mom hooked on 24. SUPER low key.

And that is as exciting as this holiday season will get for me. There will be no family carolling time, no 'reuniting' of cousins, aunts and uncles or even grandparents, no thoughts on or even recognition of the true meaning of Christmas, a passing comment relating to the bible in reference to the movie that is on wont be tolerated...really there's not what you would call "Christmas cheer" within these walls which hold memories I wish I did not have.

I know this all sounds pessimistic and sulk-ish, but don't get me wrong here - I absolutely love my family and they love me, I just feel like I'm out of place. Which I am. At the same time I know where my blessings lay. I know that Christmas isn't about perfection, but about being real. And I know that God is using me to reach my family. But if I could only say one thing to each of you this season, even if you already know this, OPEN YOUR EYES! Cherish these moments - problems and all. LOVE, really love, your family and friends, make sure they know that you do. Sure - maybe you find your family annoying or smelly or whatever, but they are you're family and some people don't have that blessing. Make sure you aren't too caught up in everything else in your life that you miss Jesus amoungst it all. We aren't given gifts and blessings to overlook and underappreciate them.

with eyes wide open,

how...bland!

2004-12-24T01:21:00.000-05:00

So, it took me until right now to figure out how the movie title applied to the movie content. Keep in mind that I finished the movie around 11pm. That's a good 2 1/2 hours and in the words of my brother - "thats OK."

Well, to get to the point, this movie really got me thinking about memories. Sorry if you haven't seen it, but I don't think me talking about it will break the movie for you. Anyhow, there are these two individuals and eventually they both end up erasing each other from their memory. It's a medicinal, clinical process where you can actually have someone and all the memories attatched to them erased from your memory if it is too much for you to handle. I think that maybe the only time I've seen something like this was in MIB, or possibly some CIA flick.

I don't know if this is an actual process that people could pay to have done to them, but it wouldn't suprise me if it's out there. Not the way our society is anyhow.

I couldn't help but feel sorry for these people. They were SO overcome with pain and heartache that the only option they felt they had was to permanently get rid of memories - good and bad. There was one scene where Jim Carrey was clinging to a memory and then *poof* it vansihed in front of his eyes. Maybe I'm too empathetic, but that would suck.

I really hope this isn't a reality, and that it never becomes one. Your memories make you who you are. The experiences in life and emotions involved shape your mind, body and soul. I'm not denying the fact that there are things out there that shouldn't be experienced, or that I don't have ceratin memories that I would want erased, but it just seems so harsh. How sad would that be to deny a part of your being and erase a chunk of your life. To the people in the movie they wished to achieve the "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (movie title), but I don't think that a spotless mind would be all that sunshine-y. Don't you think it would be rather bland? No peaks or valleys. No rain but also no rainbows. No bad times or good times.

Sure, relationships end and maybe you feel sad, depleted...or maybe even relieved; but to disregard the memories? No thanks. They're there to help us move on and make sure we do what is best for us the next go around.

One quote that stuck with me from the movie was Jim's response to the question "what do we do with this memory?" all he said was "enjoy it". And I think the same goes for those moments in life that could possibly be monumental...or maybe just any moment. Enjoy them. Enjoy your life, your interactions, your friends, your strangers, your memories and your moments...enjoy them for whatever they are whenever they are. Maybe they aren't meant to last forever - so don't let them slip away. But at the same time, don't become preoccupied with them to the point where the only solution you can see working is to erase them and the person from your memory.

ENJOY!

HE-brews

2004-12-23T01:17:00.000-05:00

I'm reading a book. Its called Stop Dating the Church and Fall in Love With the Family of God and its by Joshua Harris. Anyhow, I'm finding it rather convicting. If you know me you probably know that sometimes I justify not going to church by the fact that I go to bible college and that most of my classes sound like sermons, but then I guess I'd actually have to go to class for this theory to apply. Moving on...as much as I don't have a church, I'm starting to feel that I need one; that there is a hole in my life which only a church home will fill.

But beyond this conviction, Hebrews 10:24-25 really spoke to me tonite. It reads as follows: "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day draw near."
I feel like I just want to take parts of the verse apart and put the magnifying glass on them, but really the whole verse is gold.

Makes sense to meet together to encourage and push each other forward to love and do good things, doesnt it? What a B-E-A-U-tiful concept.

** ** ** **

Here's a joke for your amusment
...taken directly from my Hermenuetics professor,

So the man asks his wife to make him a cup of coffee, she responds with authority "Dear, the bible is very clear on this point - it says He-brews."

ooooOOooHhhhhhh...man thats awesome!

Acutely Aware:

2004-12-20T01:45:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you are completely on the outside of a situation, even though you are right there - in on the action, so to speak? That you have the distinct privlige to look in upon something outstanding? I think these moments are fantastic, even more fantastic that I have been blessed to have a couple in the last 48 hours or so.

Some days I don't know what to make of these moments, usually I just let them happen...let myself feel removed and just observe the situation and let my thoughts take me wherever they want to. Usually there's some kind of "lesson" or revelation hidden within, which is fine by me as it keeps me on my toes. The two that I've had in the last couple days are timeless; tested and true. Welcome to my vantage point:

1) sitting at a table at my camp Christmas dinner last night with a group of Russian campers. Always good for a laugh, Oleg and Russel are. But as they both sat there filling me in on their lives...with Oksana and Tabitha chirping in every now and then as well...I couldn't help but see them with big signs hanging around their necks. Signs broadcasting their pain and problems, their insecurities and fears. I felt inadequate and helpless, but I couldn't tear myself away from that seat. - - people are hurting right beneath our eyes...how are we going to be useful in coming alongside them and walking through their obstacles with them?

2) I got the esteemed privilege of hanging out with two of my compadres from camp all day today and most of yesterday. There is something that a Co shares (as well as a Co-Co for that matter) that just can't be beat. You are on the same page, you can read each others thoughts as you share a glance, and know what they really mean when they say something. I love these kinds of friendships, they really warm my heart and are the things that help to keep me stable when I feel like I'm falling. Anyway, so Aqua(Laura), Marty(Shay) and I spent some time hanging out in my room today. I was straightening Aqua's hair and Shay was reading my LIFE book of 100 Pictures that Changed the World (a great book, incase you were wondering)...we got on to the topic of camp. who would've guessed that! :) but more specifically, we started playing matchmaker and pairing up the staff with each other, just for kicks. [this whole snapshot of time seems very girlie, which is odd cause the three of us are not that girlie of girls] We came to the conclusion that maybe we could put so-and-so with so-and-so but that when it came down to it - they would never work. We laughed, alot. We shared memories, all the while creating new ones. Ones that one day we will recollect for our kids - - As I was observing these girls, my friends, I became acutely aware of how different everyone in this world is, yet how we all share a bond that is so strong. And that given the chance, that bond can SOAR.

Friendship is amazing. Human connection is amazing.

PART OF MY MILE

out of my mind - j. blunt

lets go to annapolis

just things...

general merriment

new-ness

annoying.

chocolate.

classic vs. romantic

a peek:

older chests...

I hate thinking of a title.

music

motormouth

#1 - children

...a series, if you will.

...a series, if you will.

adventures in the city

me and my wierdness - as requested by Leslie Wiseman

work.

"movin on up...to the east side...

?

unexpected.

on my mind:

so you're supposed to be tagged...but whatever...

dorothy and todo.

Kudos to the East!

yo Utech...what up?

good song.

stupid africa

Nashville North

...

music

Bethany in August

randoms

books

just wait a minute.

lyric for the day

back

untitled

nothin like an old game of:

so unfocused.

untitled

trapped?

Garth Brooks - Face to Face

Dawson's Creek

jackers

lessons: due east.

*excitedchomp*

11:30 PM suprise slurpees

the things I have learned.

update on my life

purpose revealed

4/13

Life

"on and on and on and on it goes..."

sweet dreams

John Hiatt

the towels waiting to be thrown in...

way to go!

2 is enough for me.

i think i got it!

Nobody Hugs a Rose - Cool Hand Luke

"it feels like home to me..."

homeward bound

somtimes other peoples words are just better.

girls girls girls

something about "you gotta go through the mud to get to the good stuff..."?

cheesy poem

love it when that happens

acts 2

thank you Isaiah.

pure JOY?

only four?

paradigm shift (thats for you april)

homosexuality

why are titles the hardest part?

man alive

good times to be had in the 'loo

the counting crow strikes again

excitedchomp